CHRISTIAN WUSSES

As much as it pains, shames and hurts to admit — I find most Christian men that I know to be utterly boring. Yes, I was shocked to hear myself say it too. I've dated across the theological spectrum without success. Recently, I came to the realization that my only option for a good relationship is with a man of God. Got that part. But I have yet to meet a decent, moral, God-fearing man that stimulates me. I live for Christ, stay away from bad things — drinking, sexual situations, drugs, etc. — but I have fun, have huge ambitions for my life and long deeply for a little adventure. Tell me if I'm hallucinating — are there Christian men who can provide that? In my dream world, I'd come to church one Sunday and find Christian Slater suddenly set on fire with a heart for God and we'd ride away on his motorcycle singing hymns together. Is it wrong to want that? Is it wrong to feel like I'd be "settling" if I were to date a sweet, religious, albeit completely sedentary man? I've read other articles talking about an "immature attraction to danger," but I don't think that's my problem. I don't seek out "trouble boys", I just need something a more than bingo Tuesday. (Nothing against bingo).

I'm not saying that as a group moral men are boring, not remotely. There has to be a happy medium. I pray over this constantly, but I can't find an answer.

Reply

Your problem is pretty common. There are five main possibilities.

Possibility one is that you aren't called to the married state. Both Christ and the Apostle Paul make clear that some people, both men and women, are called to a devotion to Him so exclusive that marriage would pale by comparison. Now I may be mistaken, but I don't think that's what's going on in your case. It's not the thought of marriage that leaves you cold — it's the thought of the men you've been meeting. So let's go on to possibilities two, three, four, and five.

Possibility two is that the man-woman thing is all about sex for you. You say that you stay away from "sexual situations," and I believe you. But attractions to guys can be all about sex even if you aren't having sex. Do you get me? That Christian Slater/riding away on the motorcycle bit rather suggests that this may be your problem. God made us sexual beings; we're supposed to feel attraction. Even so, the other sex shouldn't be all about sex.

Possibility three is that your ideas about what makes a man exciting are immature, and this time I'm not talking about sex. You say you aren't attracted to "trouble boys," and you assure me that you don't find "moral men" boring "as a group," but when you speak of moral men as a "medium" between dull and exciting, I have to wonder about that. Consider the virtues — courage, loyalty, hope and all the rest. My experience is that it isn't the people who have them who are boring, but the ones who don't. What could be more interesting than a courageous, loyal man with a heart full of faith and hope? What could be more dreary than a cowardly, disloyal skunk who doesn't believe in you or God or anything?

Possibility four is that you're confused about the marks of good character. Some people think that "being good" is being a sedentary wimp. You use some language like that yourself. On the contrary, the virtues are fires that burn in our hearts, dry up our fears, discipline our wills, and drive us to dare things we might otherwise tremble to conceive. Think of the Apostles turning the world upside down. Think of Jesus driving the moneychangers out of the Temple. Now there was a man. Don't get me wrong; He also had divine authority to do what He did, and we don't have His authority. But He wants us to have His zeal.

Possibility five is that you're looking in the wrong places. We've all met "Christian saps" who seem to think that holiness is being compliant, patience is not caring much, love is a sweet sticky feeling, faith is a sort of stupidity, and hope is being unable to recognize evil when you see it. Some people like that get the wrong idea, decide that they ought to be ministers, and spread sissihood instead of sanctity. In my experience, however, the shock of the grace of God doesn't turn a man into a sap; on the contrary, it puts nerve into him. Consider Peter. At first, he was a coward. Sure, he said brave things to Jesus, but he also denied Him three times. But look what happened to him at Pentecost. From that day on, he was a stand-up guy. So, be willing to scout around in different Christian places for Christian men. You may just have hit a pocket of wusses.

Peace be with you, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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AM I LOOKING HARD ENOUGH?

I am a 25-year-old single mom. During a stint away from home and God, I conceived and subsequently bore my daughter just before my 20th birthday. I make the best of a difficult situation, and my family and friends have been an endless source of support.

I don't get out much. I rarely meet single, suitable Christian men, and on the rare chance that I do, they don't show much interest in me despite the fact that I consider myself reasonably attractive with a reasonably good personality. I have rather old-fashioned ideas about gender roles, and my insistence that the man is to be the initiator and the woman the responder in a romantic relationship seems to be one of them. Therefore, I don't go out of my way to be friendly to single guys, but neither do I act unapproachable or unfriendly.

I desire to marry eventually, and I think it's God's will for me to marry, considering that I have a daughter who needs, and desperately desires, a godly father — but I am in no particular hurry to do so. I am thoroughly enjoying this period in my life where I am drawing closer to God both personally and within a close community of believers without the distraction of a romantic relationship.

There are times that I wonder if I could and should be doing more to find a husband. So my question for you is: How aggressive and proactive does a single mom need to be in selecting and pursuing a godly husband? And what avenues are available to a young woman seeking to meet godly men?

P.S. It doesn't help much that I live in a small town.

Reply

You sound sensible and balanced to me. Should you be seeking a husband more aggressively? I'd be more concerned if you were. All other things being equal, yes, a child is better off with both a Mom and a Dad. But all other things are not equal. Not every man can become a husband and father at the same time, so giving your daughter a stepfather is not necessarily an improvement over single parenthood. Besides, it would be difficult for your child to bond even to a good stepfather at the age that she has reached.

So don't be desperate for a husband; you're doing fine. Don't leave your daughter alone to go on dates, don't take her along on dates, in fact, don't date. Should God bring a suitable husband into your life in His own way, thank him, but be realistic. Your daughter may not have a father, so her grandfather will have to do double duty. The best thing you can do for her is make sure that her relationship with Grampa is close and good.

I wouldn't advise you to leave your small town, because you need your family's support. Stay far, far away from married men — for you will be tempted. Just remember that any man willing to desert his wife for you would desert you too. It's fine that you prefer traditional roles, because a man so passive that he can't take initiative is unlikely to be a good husband and father. You should also avoid men who fear responsibility — today they are all too common. I can't imagine an interesting life without responsibility; binding commitments to others are what God uses to stretch us into our adult shapes. You're being stretched now.

Accept that stretching. Let God attend to the man — if there is to be a man. But remember: Until your daughter is grown, your main job in life isn't to find a substitute father, but to be a good mother.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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PLEASE, PLEASE

I'm in my mid-20s and I am currently in a serious relationship with an awesome Christian guy that I love with all my heart. The subject of marriage has come up many times and, in fact, he's usually the one bringing it up. I'm very happy with him, but I desperately need your advice.

About a year ago I studied abroad. I got really wrapped up in the world that I found myself in. I was partying and drinking almost every weekend. I went to church once — and that was it. Things got worse. I fell in love with another man while I was over there — or at least thought I did — and had sex with him. Meanwhile, I tried to break things off with my boyfriend back home, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I told myself that I would end it when I came home for Christmas, but he was so happy I was home, and I was so happy to be with him, that I couldn't.

Now I'm back home permanently. There is no way for me to see the other guy, and I know now that I definitely wasn't in love with him — just addicted to the sex. But I still don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend. We want to get married. But I don't know if I can carry on with this relationship knowing how I behaved while I was away. Sometimes I just want to tell him, but I'm so scared of hurting him.

Everybody tells me to not tell him — they say that would just make things worse. Please, please tell me what to do.

Reply

Brace yourself. You don't love your boyfriend yet. You may some day, but you can't build a marriage on "may."

Don't misunderstand. You may love him in the romantic sense — having strong feelings for him, thinking about him all the time, putting him on a pedestal. But you don't love him in the sense that marriage demands; it's all feelings for you. Just as it was with the other guy, and just as it is, I suspect, in other aspects of your life.

You asked me to tell you what to do, and I will. Tell your boyfriend the truth. Your friends who are telling you not to don't know what they're talking about. They think telling him the truth will mean a breakup, and it probably will. In their view, breakup would be a disaster. But you're not ready for marriage, and it's more likely that not breaking up would be a disaster. The very fact that you can consider trying to base your relationship on a lie shows that at this point in your life you don't yet love him in the sense that marriage demands. I don't say that to make you feel terrible; you feel terrible already. It's simply a fact.

Don't consider marriage until you do more growing up. I tell a lot of people not to be afraid of getting married. But we should be afraid of getting married when we don't yet understand what we're doing.

You must also grow up with God. Is it possible that you've based your relationship with Him on feelings too? The evidence is that you have. Is it Him, Him, Him, or is it you, you, you? Spend some time just in the quiet with Him. Make it your habit. Don't say "God, I ..." so much. Just say "My Lord and my God."

I've only two more things to tell you. Here is the first: You mention hoping things would be different, and you mention feeling rotten, but you don't mention being sorry. Nothing will work without that. Those other things aren't the same thing. Incomplete repentance is at the bottom of far more problems than most people imagine.

Here is the second: You worry about whether to tell the truth to your boyfriend, but you are obviously blabbing it to everyone else. "Everybody tells me not to tell him." Tie up that tongue, girl, or somebody is going to get hurt. Probably, somebody already has.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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If you have a question you'd like Professor Theophilus to consider for this column, please send it to asktheo@trueu.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Ask Theophilus" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.