NOT A WUSS (MIGHT HAVE ANOTHER LITTLE PROBLEM)

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I'm writing about the "Christian Wusses" letter in the Ask Theophilus column "Quandaries and Enigmas." At first I thought the letter was too ridiculous to justify a response. Then I thought I figured I should stand up for myself and for other Christian men. To the woman who wrote that letter:

I'm sorry. If being a Christian makes me boring because I don't venture in to the land of exciting illegitimate relationships, devious adventures, and other such mayhem. I can't help you. If a fundamental respect for a woman's soul, mind, and body lead her to believe that I am unexciting because I am not entering "dangerous territory" enough, I invite her to dig a little deeper and uncover the character I have developed through trial and difficulty. Character developed to provide an exciting and dynamic relationship for her and her alone. Character and personality that will not just provide an adventure, but the adventure of a lifetime, for a lifetime!

I think I can speak for many of my brothers in Christ. We aren't into sitting around and watching TV. We're into activities fueled by testosterone and adrenalin! Rarely have come across a woman who can even keep up with me. I hope you find someone exciting enough for you soon.

Reply

Thanks for your defense of Christian men. You make good points. Along with the other virtues you mention, I'd only suggest that you give a little more thought to humility.

Peace be with you, PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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VERY NICE GUYS

Dear Professor Theophilus:

As a guy, I'd like to address your response to one of your readers regarding boring Christian guys. From what some of my female friends have said, I have a strong suspicion that your reader's problem is Possibility Five. The only thing is, what you've called "a pocket of wusses" seems to be much more widespread in the Church. Many of us Christian guys have this idea that to be a Christian is to be nice, and so we become Very Nice Guys. Correct me if I'm wrong, but girls don't want pushovers; they don't want someone who agrees so much that he makes them scream; they don't want someone who will fail to challenge and surprise them. Like men, they want some excitement, not all the time, of course, but there needs to be some element of that. Very Nice Guys can't provide it.

Reply

Well said. This is a big problem. When some young men read in the New Testament that they should be "gentle," they think it means being what the secular culture calls "nice." Niceness is a distortion of gentleness. Gentleness arises from a burning devotion to the true good of the other person. It's loving, but also tough and devoted to truth. Niceness arises from the desire to be liked and to get along at any price. It's weak, and devoted to not making waves.

Such a mistake couldn't happen unless there were already confusion about the meaning of manhood and womanhood. But that's a topic for another time.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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THE JONAH SYNDROME

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I had problems with anger since my early teens. It wasn't until I repented that there came to be some improvement. Not enough, but I'm working on it.

But I'm also getting angrier and angrier at the world around me. I get angry that women move in with their boyfriends and men with their girlfriends. I get angry that twelve-year-old girls can have abortions without their parents knowing. I get angry that a couple of political cartoons about Mohammed produce violent protests, but Christians are martyred in huge numbers without anyone caring. I get angry some of the sick people in the hospital ward work have no one to care about them except those of us who work there. I get angry at evolutionists. I get angry at Catholics. I get angry at Protestants, myself included. The list goes on and on, and I seem to discover more and more things to be angry about.

I don't walk around as a seething pit of rage! But as these issues are thrown in my face and I repeatedly encounter them afterwards, my reaction is anger. Am I being misguided? Should I be saddened by the world instead? Feel pity? I can't seem to see a way in which to change any of these situations, except through God, but they reject God! My thoughts are a mess. I am in conflict over what I think I should feel and what I do feel.

What do you think?

Reply

I'm very glad that you're willing to ask whether your anger is excessive and inappropriate. But yes, I'm afraid it is.

I won't discuss practical issues, like how to recognize when you are getting angry, or how to defuse your anger when it is about to break out — you've already given thought to those, and they aren't what you've asked about anyway. Instead let's consider what may be going on spiritually. People become furious about the sins of strangers for three main reasons.

Disguised anger toward others. Sometimes a young woman (or young man) is filled with terrific anger toward someone else — say, her parents — for real or imagined injustices that they have committed against her personally. Because that's too hard to deal with, she turns all that anger outward instead. All the Bad People in the World become a stand-in for the two people in the world that she is actually angry with.

Disguised anger toward self. She may also be angry with herself, for her own past or present sins or failings. This anger is likely to be intensified if she is still involved in the sin; if she has stopped, but hasn't repented and confessed; if she has repented and confessed, but refuses to accept God's forgiveness; or if her past sin or failing is having continuing bad effects in the present. This time All the Bad People in the World become a stand-in for herself.

Disguised anger toward God. Another possibility is that she is angry with God, because all these bad things keep happening in the world and God doesn't seem to be in a hurry about fixing them. He is indeed a God of judgment, but He is also a God of mercy, who does not rush to destroy those who might yet turn to Him: "The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness." We are angry with God for having mercy because we forget how much we have needed mercy, because we fail to imitate His compassion, and because we presumptuously imagine that we could govern the world better than He does.

Something tells me that all three of these angers may be at work in your case. My prescription has two parts. The first: Consider practically how you might witness the love of God to those people who reject Him. The second: Look up the book of Jonah. It isn't just a fish story; the real theme is Jonah's anger. A prophet, he was furious with God for giving the Ninevites a chance to repent. Don't just read the book. Abandon yourself to Christ and pray the book, slowly and contemplatively, perhaps half a chapter a day. Then reconsider your relationship to God.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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GOD, HEAL ME — MY WAY

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I have a long-term behavior disorder that makes me pull out some of my hair. It has gotten slightly better, and I am able to hide the effects with makeup. Nobody knows except those who have known me for years.

But I'm so confused. I'm a born-again Christian, so why won't God help me with this? Every time I pull out hair, I lose just a bit of faith in God. I can't get baptized, you know, because of the makeup, and if I don't get baptized I can't join a church either. My pastor has scolded me about this, telling me I should "seriously question my salvation" if I am not willing to obey God and get baptized. I simply can't tell him my reason! Do you see the problem?

When Jesus was walking on earth, people were healed just by touching Him. However, He always informed them that it was their faith that made them whole. I would love to believe that Christians still have that power today, but my faith has only been weakened each time I have cried to Him for healing and been let down.

I don't know what to do. Therapy is too expensive, and medication is too risky. Why isn't God keeping His promises?

Reply

Three different issues surface in your letter, and all three have to do with stubbornness.

First you ask "Why isn't God keeping His promises?" He is keeping His promises, my dear; you are blaming Him for not keeping a promise He didn't make. God has never promised that He will heal every illness in this life if we have enough faith. What He has promised is that He can give redemptive meaning to our suffering, and that in the next life He will wipe every tear from the eyes of those whom He has redeemed.

The second issue is that although you complain that God hasn't given you a miracle, you've rejected the non-miraculous means of healing — "Therapy is too expensive, and medication is too risky." That's an excuse. Though I can't speak about medicine for your condition, I do know that many therapists make special financial arrangements for low-income clients. Do you know the story about the man in the flood who asked God to rescue him? A motorboat came, but he said "No, thanks, I'm waiting for God." A helicopter came, but he said "No, thanks, I'm waiting for God." Finally he said, "God, why aren't you rescuing me?" God answered, "I sent you a motorboat and a helicopter — what more do you want?"

Third, it's pretty cheeky to disobey God's commands just because you are worried about your makeup, and then boast of your salvation. I'm with your pastor on this one. Christians do not all agree about how baptism works, but all Christians agree that God has commanded it. Faith is the issue, yes, but true faith is incompatible with obstinate disobedience to God. If you are serious about God, stop giving Him instructions, and start following His.

I've been tough with you, not because I don't have compassion, but because I do. I hope that you're hearing me.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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SEVEN LEAN YEARS

Dear Professor Theophilus:

What do you say to a friend who is a Christian, who loves a guy who is also a Christian, but whom she has been dating for seven years without his being willing to commit to marriage? I see how this is affecting her life. She loves him beyond words, and in her eyes he can do no wrong. Why would he be so afraid of marriage to such a wonderful lady?

Reply

Seven years is a long time to waste on a man who isn't serious. The main thing you can do for your friend is pray for her. I do think you should seek an opportunity to speak with her — briefly, frankly, and gently — but you need to understand several things ahead of time. First, your goal must be simply to speak the truth. It is not in your power to make her be convinced, and she probably won't be convinced. Second, you must be realistic about the fact that if she is gaga about the guy, then after she hears what you have to say, she might break off her friendship with you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't say it.

What can you say to her? You can simply remind her of the obvious, that dating is about finding a suitable person to marry, that this man is not interested in marriage, and that she is losing her chance to find a man who is. That's enough. Don't argue with her. Don't get trapped in a long discussion of her excuses. Don't try to "fix" her.

If the man has been willing to date her for seven years without getting married, presumably he is getting everything he wants from the relationship without marriage.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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DID WE BREAK UP OR DIDN'T WE?

Dear Professor Theophilus:

Recently, my boyfriend and I broke up. We had been friends for four years before we started to date. At first, things weren't so serious — we were just testing it out in a way, trying to see if more would develop. Things were getting physical, and he made me feel really wonderful with the things he said to me. I really liked him a lot! Well — it ended very suddenly when I found out that he only cared for me "a little more then friendship."

Was I ever upset! I had opened my heart up, fallen in love with his family and for the first time in a relationship felt able to be myself. We broke off because I didn't feel I could continue being physical when he didn't care about me as more than a friend. I'm so hurt now, and I'm afraid that guys will trick me into thinking they care for me when they really don't. I never thought a friend would do that to me!

He still wants to be friends, and I think — it is possible. However, I don't think things can ever be the same! Should I talk to him about, how I feel and how he hurt me? Or should I just let it go?

Reply

When you break up, break up; "still being friends" is an illusion in two different ways. First, it makes the situation ambiguous; you've broken up, but somehow you haven't broken up. Second, there isn't any "still" in a case like yours, because you weren't the friends that you thought you were in the first place. A friend wouldn't have used you merely for sexual recreation.

Should you talk with the man and tell him how you feel about how he used you? The time to tell him was when you broke up with him, and that opportunity has past. So let it go. The important thing now isn't telling him how you feel, but learning from what happened — and the biggest lesson to learn is that what you call "getting physical" isn't an appropriate activity for a date, no matter how wonderful the things the guy says make you feel.

The correct term for "getting physical" is "foreplay," and the right time for it is your wedding night, when you are preparing to consummate your marriage. If you use it as a way to feel good about guys, then guys will use you to feel good. That is neither a good way to find a suitable man, nor a good way to become a suitable woman.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

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If you have a question you'd like Professor Theophilus to consider for this column, please send it to asktheo@trueu.org. Please note, all questions that are selected for "Ask Theophilus" may be edited for clarity and privacy and become the property of Focus on the Family.