Since I first wrote "Pulling a Ruth" in 2002, I've received hundreds of e-mails from women who want to know how they should apply what I said to their specific situations. Each time I get a letter like that, I'm reminded of the heavy responsibility it is to suggest how certain biblical stories and attending principles apply to our lives. And each time I read one of those letters, I offer a quick prayer that I've rightly divided the word of truth. I've also continued to read and study both the book of Ruth and the whole of Scripture, along with the writings of trusted biblical scholars, in order to increase my understanding. For about a year now, I've wanted to revisit the article, to add what I've learned to what I originally wrote.

So what's changed?

My perspective on Ruth

Ruth's is not an ideal story — the norm we should strive for — but a story of redemption in difficult circumstances. Debbie Maken reminded me of that when I read her book, Getting Serious about Getting Married. In it, she points out that the stories of Isaac and Rebekah and Jacob and Rachel, not Ruth, are the biblical norm for family formation. Unlike Ruth, those women had fathers and extended families who took an active part in helping them marry well and in a timely fashion. She writes,

The Bible does include stories of women who didn't have a family agency working on their side, showing the vulnerability of flying solo.... Ruth's mother-in-law, Naomi, an elderly woman herself, hardly qualifies as an adequate covering with bargaining power because her idea of sending Ruth to the threshing room floor in the middle of the night was fraught with danger, physical harm, and costs to Ruth's reputation.... Ruth represents a widow in a rather exceptional situation. Rachel and Rebekah represent much more accurately what God intends for us through the protection of family and an active and negotiating father.... It's far better to be in the protected place of Rachel and Rebekah than in the perilous position of Ruth.

When I first read that passage, it made me bristle. I hadn't realized how undesirable Ruth's situation was and it was a bit hard to accept. I guess I had brought a few too many modern sensibilities to my reading of the ancient story, wanting to make Ruth into one of the original examples of girl power. I was so inspired by the way she made good on a bad situation that I missed two key points: it would have been better had she been under the covering of a strong father figure and she didn't "go after" just anyone.

In the original article I wrote:

Not content to just wait for Boaz to take notice of her, Ruth's mother-in-law encouraged her to place herself in Boaz's path. Ruth went to Boaz's threshing floor and covered herself with his cloak: That was the Old Testament way of saying "I'm available."

She made her intentions known — that she wanted to get married — and it worked. Not only did she get a husband, she got God's blessing and a baby named Obed who became the grandfather of King David and a direct ancestor of Jesus.

Whoa. Talk about omissions. It's not like Ruth's appearance at the threshing floor was the first time she and Boaz interacted. Early in the story we learn that when Boaz arrived at the field where the gleaners were working, he noticed her. "Whose young woman is that?" he asked. When he found out that she was "the Moabitess who came back from Moab with Naomi," that she had asked to be allowed to glean with the poor, working diligently since morning "except for a short rest in the shelter," he was intrigued.

But he didn't stop there. He actually singled her out saying,

My daughter, listen to me. Don't go and glean in another field and don't go away from here. Stay here with my servant girls. Watch the field where the men are harvesting, and follow along after the girls. I have told the men not to touch you. And whenever you are thirsty, go and get a drink from the water jars the men have filled.

Not only was it Boaz who initiated their first conversation, but what he said was significant. He was caring for her by providing for her physical needs for food and water as well as protecting her from harm at other, less honorable, men's hands.

Now it was Ruth's turn to respond. Ruth 2:10 says, "At this, she bowed down with her face to the ground. She exclaimed, 'Why have I found such favor in your eyes that you notice me — a foreigner?'"

At this point, we get a look at Ruth's character. Verse 11 says,

Boaz replied, "I've been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband — how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before. May the Lord repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge."

Ruth's high character preceded her. Such that Boaz didn't just give her choice gleanings, water and protection, but he also blessed her. No small thing in Israelite culture.

Then, in a public gesture of provision, Boaz included Ruth in the afternoon meal, offering her bread and wine vinegar. She was the only one among the gleaners — those in poverty and foreigners who were permitted to pick up what was left behind in the fields — who was part of the mealtime invitation.

When Ruth relayed the day's events to her mother-in-law, sharing with her leftover bread from the meal and an abundance of grain, Naomi immediately recognized the high character of Boaz and his potential as a husband for Ruth. "Where did you glean today? Where did you work? Blessed be the man who took notice of you!" she exclaimed.

Boaz was already husbanding Ruth, and Naomi recognized it. Contrary to what I originally wrote, Naomi was not encouraging Ruth to "go after" Boaz in a modern-day type pursuit. She was guiding Ruth to respond to what Boaz had already initiated. By the time Naomi told Ruth about the kinsman-redeemer system and asked her to go to Boaz at the threshing floor, she had every reason to believe Boaz would respond positively. Naomi said with confidence, "He will not rest until the matter is settled." How could she know this? Because she had evidence of his character.

This is no small oversight. In order to "pull a Ruth," you have to be dealing with a Boaz. And thankfully, with Steve, I was.

My perspective on Steve

In hindsight I realize that Steve had already demonstrated much about his high character through the course of our friendship. I knew that he was honest and hardworking, that he was a strong believer with mature faith and that our goals, passions and convictions were well-aligned. I also knew that he believed in and wanted marriage. What I didn't know is if he could see himself married to me.

So while it may appear to some from my first articles that I pursued Steve and took the lead in our relationship, the reality is that I was responding to all the strong cues he was giving me. When it came time for my ultimatum ("call this what it is, or no more access to me"), what I was really doing was asking a version of the question that used to be asked by a woman's dad: "What are your intentions for my daughter?"

I was in essence asking him, "What are your intentions for me?"

Like Ruth, my story is not normative, not ideal, but I was facing undesirable circumstances. In the case of my friendship with Steve, those circumstances were created largely by the messages of culture. Despite the fact that both of us came from intact Christian families, where marriage and children were esteemed and even held up as goals, we still had absorbed lots of contradictory cultural messages. We needed to be reminded that some of what we believed about love and romance and marriage was true, but a lot of it was simply a reflection of what we'd learned from too many hours in front of the television.

Conclusion

Because Ruth's is a story of getting to marriage amidst harsh realities, I still believe it offers help in making sense of the current singles culture. Ours are not ideal times when it comes to getting married. We live in a day where the age of first time marriages is as old as it's ever been, both for men and women. Add to that all the confusion over gender roles, the lack of biblical literacy, uninvolved parents and extended family, disengaged social circles and an often silent church and you have the makings for much uncertainty. We're left wondering, what's the best way to prepare for and get to marriage?

Thankfully the Scriptures do offer principles for living well in less-than-ideal circumstances. That's a lot of what Ruth is about. But that's not all. When I first wrote about applying her story to our lives, I mentioned as almost an afterthought that part of her happy ending was bearing a son, Obed.

Upon closer study, I now realize that the main point of Ruth's story was the baby, not the wedding. The wedding was just the beginning. With two little ones and another on the way, that's something else I'm still learning.