READ PART 1

Young Theophilus cleared his throat, his mind intent on empathizing, sympathizing, and seeing he students points of view. He'd build their self-esteem if it killed him.

Or them.

"Alpha?" he said sympathetically.

"Yes?" said Alpha.

"You thought you shouldn't have to read the great books because you just want to teach kindergarten. I see your point. Kindergartners aren't interested in human nature, morality, and the meaning of happiness. I'm writing a letter to the Dean of Curricular Smorgasbord to propose that you be exempted from the requirement."

"Oh, thank you."

"You're welcome. He'll want to know what I propose in its place, so I'm suggesting a course on the names of the colors, how to stack blocks, and playing nice. I see from the catalogue that we have several such courses. Any one of them should do."

He missed the change in her expression because he was already turning to the next student. "Let's see. Beta. You explained that although the author's arguments were compelling, they wouldn't affect your life. I understand. Even if some of them are right about how to live, it's too much trouble to change your life."

"Uh, right."

"Tell you what. I can't give you different readings than anyone else, but I don't expect you to care about them. You don't have to participate in class discussion either. Just sit quietly in a corner and read comic books or write mash notes or something."

Mash notes were something people wrote in those days. They didn't have Kwitter or Spacebook.

"Gamma?"

She waggled two fingers.

"You pointed out that the authors all lived a long time ago, and the questions they asked are out of date. I've been doing a little research, and you're right."

"I am?"

"Yes. This morning at the supermarket check-out stand, not a single magazine had an article about the meaning of life, or what happiness really is. So why not drop out? Do something meaningful. Get a job, or get married, or sponge off your parents. Delta?"

"Yo."

"Your complaint that your beliefs were different than those of the authors, and so their arguments don't have anything to do with you. Very good point."

"I thought so, Prof."

"After all, how could you possibly learn from anyone who thinks differently than you do already? Considering your immunity to logical reasoning, I think you should petition the Student Disabilities Office to approve an alternative method of evaluating your performance in the course. My suggestion for a testing method would be that you say whatever you think into a tape recorder, then play it back to yourself, then write down what you hear."

Turning to Epsilon, Young Theophilus said, "Let's see. Your complaint was that since you follow the Bible, you shouldn't be required to study merely human reasoning. I think I see where you're coming from."

"I'm glad somebody does."

"You're telling me that faith is blind. The less you understand anything, the more faithful you are to God. In order to be perfectly obedient, you ought to be as dumb as a post. Right? To save you the trouble, I've checked with the Student Health Service, and you're in luck."

"I am?"

"Yes. The medical plan does cover the cost of a lobotomy, and you could run over and get one as early as next Monday."

"Well!" Young Theophilus to the group. "I'm glad all that's taken care of. If you have any other complaints, just let me know. You're all doing just fine."

Casting furtive glances at him, they left.

He wrote a note to Young Loons and sent it through campus mail. "Have put plan into execution. Hopes high. Will tell how works out."

The next morning, the reply came back. "Look forward hearing. No need write like telegraph. Besides, you idiot, I'm only in the next building."

Young Theophilus grinned, crumpled the note, and aimed it at the trash basket. His trash basket. Perfect shot.

That afternoon, when office hours were almost over, Alpha tapped on the door. "Yes?"

"Professor Young Theophilus, I've been thinking about what you said yesterday. You're right. In order to be a good kindergarten teacher, I have to be a wise person. It isn't enough just to know what the children have to know. I have to go to class now. Bye!"

Young Theophilus opened both his eyes and his mouth in alarm. "Wait, that's not what I —"

Too late. Alpha was gone. As though by magic, now Beta was at the door. "Prof?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for making me see what I sounded like yesterday. I guess I was being stupid. From now on I'll try to take this stuff seriously."

"But I didn't say —" Too late. He was gone too. A few minutes later came another knock. Somehow Young Theophilus knew it would be Gamma. It was.

"Sir?"

"Yes. Come in."

"I can't stay, but I appreciate your talking tough to me yesterday. You're totally, totally right. The questions I obsess over are like soap bubbles. Two weeks from now I won't even remember them. The questions you're trying to teach us about last forever. Oh, gosh, I'm late. See you in class!"

But I'm not trying to —" Too late. Delta had taken Gamma's place, like the ghosts in a Dickens Christmas novel.

"Yo, teacher, got a minute?"

"I suppose you're here to tell me you've been thinking over what I said."

Delta's jaw dropped open. "How'd you know?"

"Just a guess."

"'Member how you said I should use a tape recorder and listen to myself? I just wanted to say that, like, you were my tape recorder. When I heard my own thoughts coming back at me — well, they sounded pretty dumb. I take back my complaint." He grinned.

"That wasn't the purpose —" But Delta had already vanished. Young Theophilus was speaking to empty air.

He looked at his watch and started counting the seconds.

Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine.

Epsilon peeked around the edge of the door. She jumped a little to see that he was already staring at the place where she was standing. "Oh! Professor Young Theophilus, I've been —"

"Thinking over what I told you?"

"Yes, and I wanted to —"

"Thank me?"

"Yes, for making me see how — how I'd been —"

"Silly?"

"I was going to say foolish."

Young Theophilus nodded. "I stand corrected."

"You made me see that I'd been bleeping out all those places in the Bible that faith isn't blind, and that God wants me to develop my reasoning powers. Like where Jesus says, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.'"¹

"Mmm hmm."

"And where Paul says 'Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.'²

"Mmm hmm."

"In the Old Testament too, where Wisdom says 'He who hates me loves death' — wow! I hadn't thought about that — and 'Hear instruction and be wise, and do not neglect it.'"³

Young Theophilus said, "I agree completely. But you have to believe me, Epsilon. I wasn't telling you that."

She laughed. "Weren't you? Well, you're the teacher; you can play make-believe if you want to, Professor. I have to go now. Bye!"

Now office hours were really over. It was a good thing, too. Young Theophilus walked over to see Young Loons.

"I'll have that coffee now."

Young Loons sniffingly appraised the contents of his canteen. "Sure? This is last Friday's. The milk might be spoiled."

"Hand it over." Young Theophilus drank, shuddered, and handed it back. "Well, I tried it."

"I know. I just watched you."

"No, I mean what the booklet advised. The one you loaned me."

"Oh, yes."

"I empathized, sympathized, and tried to see the students' points of view."

"Yes?"

"Maybe I'm not cut out for teaching after all. Their self-esteem is even lower than before."

"Is it?"

"Now they're calling themselves names, like 'dumb' and 'foolish.'"

"Sounds bad," his friend agreed.

They said for a few minutes in comradely silence.

"I don't understand," said Young Theophilus. "What am I doing wrong?"

Young Loons shrugged. "Probably everything."

* * *

1. Matthew 22:37 (RSV).
2. Romans 2:12 (RSV), emphasis added.
3. Proverbs 8:33, 36b (RSV).