Do you have to have sex on your wedding night?

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Do you have to have sex on your wedding night?

Sep 11, 2006 |John Thomas
Question

I am a college student, and about to graduate next year. It's what many deem as that part of life where "it's time to find a wife."

I am not pursuing anyone, nor is that my goal by the end of college, but I still have a burning question. I have made the decision to save my next kiss for the altar, and feel very strongly about saving that for my future wife. I get the chance to explain this idea of purity to my friends, and one once asked me, "So you're going to go from the first kiss, all the way to sex, in one day? Isn't that a bit awkward?"

I thought about it, and then another question popped into my head: "Do you have to have sex on your wedding night?" I honestly don't know the answer, and perhaps you could shed some light on the issue for me.

Answer

You've asked a great question. Here's the answer: What you do on your wedding night is between you and your new spouse. As long as you are both in agreement, and your actions honor and respect one another, then there's no set physical agenda.

The wedding night can be terribly intimidating, especially if there are expectations of hours of rapturous sexual ecstasy, an idea fueled more by Hollywood than reality, and one that most assuredly will leave one or both spouses disappointed. You'll do yourself a favor by getting the perfectly-timed hot and steamy love scene from the movie out of your head now. Somebody wrote that script for two actors, and they're getting paid to fake you out.

There's nothing magical about saying "I do" that suddenly makes a person an expert about the other person's body. The wedding night is the first of hopefully thousands of nights (and mornings and days and afternoons) together — there's plenty of time to learn and discover.

The process of discovery is a blast, as long as you know the key: COMMUNICATION, which means TALKING. The couple should talk with one another about their wedding night (a good pre-marriage counselor will help facilitate this) and what are proper expectations. Even two of the world's greatest musicians would have difficulty suddenly having to play a duet that neither had ever heard before. There would be plenty of notes missed. But as they took time to practice, things would begin to click.

Here I'm speaking from experience: if the couple has reserved sex for marriage, they can expect plenty of notes to be missed early on as they begin the process of physical discovery. But not to worry, with patience, practice and good communication, each will continually enjoy the song more and more as the years go by (now 13 years for my wife and me and still getting better). Continual discovery for a lifetime is, in fact, the way God designed marital sex, and He wired it so that the two must communicate in order to fulfill its design.

One more thought. There could be issues that make sexual expression especially difficult for a couple, such as pre-marital promiscuity, a past abusive relationship or event, past pornographic addictions, etc. These issues might require help from a trained counselor to work through. No couple should be afraid to ask for help as they learn to navigate new and sometimes difficult waters. They'll be glad they did.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

Copyright 2006 John Thomas. All rights reserved.

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