Question
I have recently started a relationship with a wonderful young man. He is godly, attentive, romantic, considerate and highly respectful of me. We mesh very well together in a lot of ways.
However, after kissing him, I started getting doubts. He is not a very good kisser. He is not experienced, and I find myself not wanting to kiss him.
I feel awful about this, because I know that this seems shallow of me. If I “break up” with him over his ability to kiss, but click with him on so many other levels, it will literally break his heart and I know I will probably regret it. I suppose that I would like advice about this issue. I know there are many these days that wait to kiss until their wedding day and I am sure that some inexperience plays into that as well. Maybe I am just listening to the secular opinion that passion matters most. I don’t necessarily feel that way, but maybe my doubts are from the enemy. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Answer
It’s not hard to understand why this issue is of such concern to you. In our day, the physical expression of attraction is elevated to an unreal level. If the magazines at the checkout aisle, the movies at the theater and the shows on TV are to be believed, sexual attraction is the most important part of the relationship. With it, a host of shortcomings can be overlooked; without it why bother. That’s the message of our culture. And you’re right to wonder if maybe that mentality has rubbed off on your thinking.
I believe it has. That’s not to say there shouldn’t be sparks between you and your boyfriend; nor that the fact that you don’t like how he kisses means nothing.
Song of Solomon 1:2 says, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth — for your love is more delightful than wine,” and “May the wine go straight to my lover, flowing gently over lips and teeth. I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me” (7:9-10).
But how he kisses certainly isn’t everything. And it isn’t static. How someone kisses can change.
And how he kisses you before the wedding is no small issue. Was it a closed-mouth kiss on the lips? That can feel a lot like kissing a relative. I think a kiss on the cheek or hand can be far more romantic and distinct — maybe because a kiss there often comes unexpectedly.
The essentials of his character and spiritual maturity, not how he kisses at this moment, are the best indicators of whether you’re a good fit for marriage. If all the other pieces for a good relationship are in place, kissing will follow. It may take some practice. But practice before marriage can quickly lead to too much physical affection.
When I first started kissing Steve, I wasn’t very good at it. How could I be, I’d never had any practice. Thankfully he didn’t walk away based on my inexperience. In fact, inexperienced is what we’re supposed to be when we enter a romantic relationship.
Song of Solomon also says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” — and not just once, but three times (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). It’s a warning. The unspoken reason being that once love is aroused, the lover and beloved will want to have not just kisses, but each other. Completely.
And that’s the problem. Physical affection leads to more physical affection all the way to sexual fulfillment. That’s the way God designed it. But He designed it to be that way within marriage. Before marriage, it’s up to believers in love to avoid situations and behavior that get their arousal mechanisms running. It’s not easy, but if living pure is your goal, it’s essential.
So I’d say in many ways it’s a blessing that you’re not writing saying, I can’t get enough kissing. It’s all I want to do: my boyfriend is such a great kisser! You’d have a lot harder time keeping your hands off of each other. As it is, given all the wonderful qualities you love about him (godly, attentive, romantic, considerate and highly respectful of you), isn’t it possible to imagine that once you’re in the boundaries of a Godly marriage, you could teach each other what you like? I believe anyone can become a good kisser; it just takes practice.
Think back to what it was like before you found out what his kisses are like. Did you anticipate a good physical connection? Did the idea of being kissed by him make you swoon? That’s a wonderful state of expectation to be in when you’re approaching marriage. In that state, you can trust that the passion will follow — after the wedding. Then you can coach each other on what you like. To do so now is to open the door too wide on temptation.
Do you love him? Are you better for the kingdom of God together than you are apart? If you answer yes to both questions, then I think you can relax in your relationship and know that the physical expression of that love will follow when it’s appropriate.
Good kissing is a learned skill. But it’s best to save the practice for after the wedding when it will God-honoring to let it lead where He designed it to go.
Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS
Copyright 2007 Candice Watters. All rights reserved.
