Guys do not have a good reputation to me; my dad gets easily angered, impatient, reminds me of past wrongs I have done, has created in me a feeling of "never tell me your feelings again or you're gone" attitude. I seem to be too much trouble for life sometimes for all guys and some people. I wonder if he thinks of women as only worthless (because that is what I think of me; I can't even find a full-time job). He can't even find the simplest things without asking for help.
Some guys have teased, harassed, made fun of me with no one standing up. I lost a job because of a guy harassing me. I personally hate them, yet I am lonely and still wonder about marriage. If all guys are like this, then I guess I am lost. This runs contrary of what I am about to type next: I am a Christian.
How do I get out of this? I am not even sure how to start in my prayer life, besides keep writing things I want in a guy.
Based solely on the information you've provided, I can see why you're hurt and tempted to give up on my gender. But you don't want to throw in the towel, and God doesn't want you to, so let's explore some other options.
Let's set aside for a moment what gender this hatred is directed toward and why. As a Christian you know that the hatred is sin, no matter who is on the receiving end of it or what they've done to cause it. The Holy Spirit in you testifies to that and is convicting you of it, and that's where you get started: You repent of your sin.
Anger, bitterness and hatred will eat at you like a cancer, and the longer you nurture them, the deeper down you spiral. Don't fall into the tar pit of blaming others for all that's wrong in your life. You are headed into dangerously dark territory at an early age by viewing the world through the eyes of a victim, blaming everyone else for your troubles. If you start that habit pattern now, you're only setting yourself up for more hurt, hatred, anger and misery down the road.
I can think of at least three or four people I know right now who have fallen into this trap of playing the role of the victim in everything. As a result, almost all they know is blame and complaint. They are miserable and make the people around them miserable.
For the sake of your future and all that God wants for you in marriage and parenting and life, start taking some time to shut out the noise and the hurry of the world, get alone with God and lay it all out there. Acknowledge to your heavenly Father all the hurt that's piled up in your heart; ask Him to forgive your hatred and anger; and receive His healing, His forgiveness and His power to redeem the love and hope that's been stolen from you. In time, God will enable you to forgive those who've hurt you and enable you to trust again by the power of His Spirit. I realize what we're asking for here is a miracle. God can deliver.
I also realize what kind of courage you'll need for such a journey. It's not easy plowing back through all that emotional terrain that has left you so bruised. That's why it is critical that you find a spiritually mature female who will mentor you through this season. Start asking now for God to bring her into your life — someone who can cheer you on and give you biblical encouragement to keep fighting.
The journey on which you are embarking will require from you radical obedience. Pray. Fast. Turn off the noise. Remove every distraction that keeps you from hearing the voice of your Shepherd Jesus. Take drastic measures and you will discover breathtaking views of freedom.
As you begin to see your experiences through God's lens rather than your own, your view of everything — yourself, your father, men in general — will begin to transform. Here's a prayer to help you get started:
Father, You know all the hurt I have in my heart. You have saved every tear I have shed, and one day You will personally wipe them from my eyes. You love me perfectly — You can't love me any more than You do or any less than You do. Forgive me, Father, for the anger I've allowed to take root in my heart. Help me turn from it and embrace Your forgiveness, bearing the fruit of repentance. Turn my anger into love. Give me beauty for the ashes in my heart. Lead me down the road to wholeness, anchored in Your Word and guided by Your Spirit. Silence the voice of the enemy and tune my ears to the Shepherd. I don't want to play the victim; I want all that You have for me in life and relationships. I give all of this to You and ask You for the miracle of redemption! Amen.
Copyright 2008 John Thomas. All rights reserved.