Question
I’m wondering why I have a deeper connection with skinny girls and not with bigger girls.
I like a girl who is slightly overweight. I like her looks, personality, love for God, and everything else, but because I am extremely skinny at 115 pounds, I would feel awkward if I dated her.
In addition to being infatuated with skinny girls over larger girls, I also feel a higher degree of care for them, too, which I can best describe as C.S. Lewis’ third view of love in the article “Anybody Know What Love Is?” I care more about a skinny girl’s well-being than a larger girl, which I feel kind of ashamed to say.
I don’t feel like I have the three dangers of in-loveness with skinnier girls: using the person, idealizing the person, or stunting love. I realize that true love is not based on what a girl looks like physically but instead is fought for with a strong will, rooted in God’s love for us. Despite knowing this, I fall in love with skinnier girls. I want to fall in love with this girl who is bigger, though I can’t seem to. Why?
Answer
Thanks for your question and for your honesty in raising it. I’ll try to answer just as frankly. We continue to get many questions on the topic of physical attraction and its role in finding a spouse, and I’ve written on it several times in this space, including, among others, in my article “Brother, You’re Like a Six.” It’s no coincidence that I still get more comments on that piece than any other I’ve written for Boundless. I know you didn’t quite characterize your question as merely a “physical attraction” question, but at bottom — and at the risk of reading between the lines a bit — I think that’s what it is (more on that point below). Let me try to address your question both broadly and specifically.
First, the broad principle: As believers in Jesus, we must seek to make decisions in our life based on the teaching of ScriptureAs believers in Jesus, we must seek to make decisions in our life based on the teaching of Scripture., and basing a marriage decision primarily on a person’s physical characteristics (or on one such characteristic) simply does not reflect biblical thinking.
Although physical appearance/attraction can play a role in the decision of whom to marry, it cannot and should not “drive the ship.” That is, physical attraction cannot be the foundation either of a decision to marry or a marriage relationship. There are many reasons why that is the case, but the two most important are (1) such a perspective does not gel with biblical priorities, and (2) it can’t work over time because physical beauty is fleeting — physical attractiveness, however you initially define it, fades with age in 100 percent of people (that’s women and men).
In seeking a wife, a wise, mature, godly man will make God’s priorities his own. When the Bible describes what God values in women and wives, it focuses on character and godliness and actively de-emphasizes the physical. In 1 Peter 3, Peter instructs wives, “do not let your adorning (also translated “beauty”) be external . . . but let your adorning (beauty) be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” Proverbs 31, in describing the excellent wife, provides 20 verses about her godliness and character, then for good measure throws in verse 30: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” You can also check out Ephesians 5 and Titus 2 for more discussion about what God prizes in a godly woman — especially in the context of marriage.
So that’s the broad principle. On to the specifics of your question: You were quite open in raising your question; now I would encourage you to engage in some even more honest self-reflection as you measure your perspective against Scripture. More specifically, I would encourage you not to rationalize and spiritualize what seems to be an unbiblical, physical hang-up.
Your question uses a number of phrases (“connection,” “greater care for,” “well-being,” “fall in love”) that look a bit like an effort to avoid using the word “attraction” so that your issue is somehow elevated above the merely physical. Sorry. However you describe your feelings, if they are caused by the way someone looks, it’s a physical attraction issue.
Let me put it this way: What if this woman said to you that she “liked your looks, your love for God, your personality, and everything else” about you, but she just felt a greater connection with, more protected by, and better cared for and loved by bigger, more muscular, more physically imposing men? Really, she’d like to fall in love with you, but because you’re smaller and weigh just 115 pounds, she simply can’t. You wouldn’t buy it either.
You also said in your question that apart from having an issue with this woman’s being what you perceive to be “slightly overweight,” you otherwise like this woman’s “looks, personality, love for God, and everything else.” I say this in love, my friend, but it strikes me as a bit selfishly immature and perfectionist that such a list of positives can’t counteract this godly woman’s one “imperfection” in your mind. Must a woman meet every item on your checklist to be your wife? Are you approaching marriage as a service and ministry of love (Ephesians 5:25-27) or primarily for what it offers you?
Look, I say all this not to discourage you, but to challenge you. Your question reveals that you already know its answer. I’m not saying that you (or anyone) need to marry someone you are totally unattracted to physically, emotionally or spiritually, but by your own admission that’s not the case here.
You will never find a perfect woman (and you shouldn’t be looking for one). Even if you did, real, biblical love will always be based “not . . . on what a girl looks like physically but instead is fought for with a strong will, rooted in God’s love for us” and determined by biblical criteria and priorities. When our desires are based on worldly and fleeting criteria instead, we must pray and preach to ourselves and train ourselves so that those desires give way to those things God calls us to value. Study the Scriptures; listen to good sermons. Write out things you know to be true in this area and pray that the Lord would change your heart. Then act in a way that aligns with those truths — obedience very often begets a greater desire to obey. No matter what Hollywood says, real love is ultimately a decision we undertake, not a feeling that happens to us (John 15:12-13).
SCOTT CROFT
Copyright 2015 Scott Croft. All rights reserved.
