I believe that no education is ever wasted when an educated woman puts her career on hold — or bags it altogether — to stay home and mother her children full time. But I also know few women go to college anymore with a primary purpose of finding a husband and starting a family. Women today are in college to get degrees and pursue careers that will challenge their creativity, expand their skills and fulfill their dreams. That doesn’t mean they don’t want children — in fact the majority say they do — but that they don’t want to give up their professional selves to become moms. Put plainly, they want both.

It’s not a new desire, after all. The Proverbs 31 woman excelled both as mother and contributor to the family income. And thanks to technology and family-friendly work policies, many women are able to participate in both worlds at the same time. But as I’ve learned since I started having babies, it’s not easy. So how does a talented Christian woman balance her competing desires for career and children? Fitting kids into your life requires intentionality, creative thinking and flexibility.

Be Intentional
You might be thinking, “Why do I need to worry about it now? I’m not even dating anyone, let alone ready to start having babies.” The sooner you add the possibility of marriage and children to your life plan, however, the more likely you’ll be able to minimize tension between them and your future career.

Such forward thinking isn’t always encouraged. For the past 40-plus years, the feminist movement has assured women that it’s best to focus on your education and career first and foremost, and if you decide later that you want to get married and have babies, you’ll find a way to fit them into your life.

Trouble is, it’s not that easy since your prime career development and prime fertility years overlap. You can’t maximize both simultaneously. And even more shocking to learn in our age of fertility miracles is that the baby-making elements of our lives are much less flexible than the career-building ones.

Women are most fertile between the ages of 18 and 25. Fertility begins a slow decline at 25 that speeds up dramatically at 35. At age 40, a woman's fertility is only 5 percent of what it was at its peak.

If you want to have a family, you simply can’t afford to put it off until after you’ve achieved all your career goals. Your body won’t let you.

One professor talks candidly to her female students about the pitfalls of not planning. She’s not just any professor but a chair at a top-ten university who found herself without a baby after years of expensive, failed infertility treatments. She says, “I’m forever telling my women students: Don’t be afraid of letting go of a half-built career. We are smart, well-educated and life is long. Career opportunities can be recaptured. Don’t waste that small window of fertility. Don’t live to regret not having had a child.” ¹

Think Creatively
It’s impossible to pattern your entire work life after a man — spending long hours in the office, acquiring and maintaining an expensive wardrobe, making a long daily commute and frequently traveling — without sacrificing what makes you uniquely female: the ability to bear children.

The professor at the top-ten university also says, “You know the advice handed out to our generation was very problematic. We were told: ‘Do what men do. Work your tail off until you’re established in your field. Sacrifice what you need to for your career.’ But now I think, if you want children ‘cloning the male, competitive model’ doesn’t work.” ²

The moms who try are usually left with one option: full time daycare. But that’s not an option young people say they want. In a recent State of our Unions survey out of Rutgers University, the researchers found that “young women believed that you shouldn’t trust your baby to a daycare center.” Their distrust stems in large part from first hand experience: they were daycare kids themselves.

So what’s the alternative? This is where the times are on your side. Women are making great strides in their chosen fields from their basements, spare bedrooms and kitchen tables. You can do so much from home simply by turning on a computer and plugging into a high-speed Internet connection. I’m writing this article from our basement office with one ear tuned to the baby monitor while the kids nap. It’s not without stress — I almost missed my deadline when 19 month-old Zoe came down with a stomach virus — but because my hours aren’t fixed, I was able to do the work outside of the usual 9-5 workday.

Also, the fact that I work from home saves me a bundle in clothes. I still like, and buy, nice things. But I don’t need as many professional outfits. I have more pairs of jeans and t-shirts than I ever did in the corporate world and, honestly, I’m more comfortable.

Be Flexible
In her book, Creating a Life, author Sylvia Ann Hewlett presents the results of a survey of high-achieving career women who, despite their success in business, had regrets about not having children. She found that “certain careers lend themselves to a better work/family balance because they provide more flexibility and are much more forgiving of career interruptions.” ³ Lawyers have more flexibility than executives, she reports. And entrepreneurs have the most flexibility of all.

It’s important to keep the limitations of certain professions in mind when deciding what to study in college. Look for role models in your chosen field. If there aren’t any moms to be found there and you want children, you may need to rethink your goals. If you do find some moms who are doing the work you aspire to, try to spend some time with them and ask them how they do it.

What are the tensions they face between home and work responsibilities? How do they reconcile them? How do they stay current in their field and available for their kids? How much control do they have over their hours? How common is telecommuting and job sharing in their industry? How easy is it to get off — and back on — their career track? And do they have any suggestions for someone just entering the field given all they’ve learned?

At the heart of flexibility is the awareness of seasons. It’s not just the job that needs to be flexible, it’s you. A woman’s life is long, and like a fine novel, it is comprised of many chapters. Many are needed to develop different facets of the tale.

Dedicate your childbearing years to being available to your children, with some attention paid to your career as you have time. The school years can be a mix of family responsibilities and work with more time for career as the kids mature. The empty-nest years can be primarily dedicated to career pursuits, with some time reserved for grandchildren. With this pacing, you’re a lot more likely to be a success at work and at home.

Keep Perspective
Women are marrying later and fewer are marrying at all. Add to that the 50% divorce rate — that while disputed by some, is still shockingly high — and you have a generation of women who recognize the legitimate need to pursue ways to support themselves.

But if marriage and family are among the things you desire, it makes sense to plan your education and your career with that future goal in mind. If being a mom is something you aspire to, then pursue work that is flexible or at least capable of flexibility down the road.

With a little planning, you’ll be able to put your expensive education to good use, but not at the expense of your dreams of having a family.

¹ Sylvia Ann Hewlett, Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children. Copyright © 2002. Talk Miramax Books. New York, p. 50.
² Ibid.
³ Ibid, p. 302.

Questions or comments? E-mail Candice at watters@adelphia.net.

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