Have I established an inappropriate relationship?

We really enjoyed talking to each other on the phone, and we text each other constantly.

Question

I am a happily married 34-year-old woman. My husband and I are active members of our church; we’ve been married for nine years.

Last year, a man four years younger than I am guest-played in our worship band. He is very attractive and talented. We got close the first time we met. He continued to play with our praise band, and I had constant communication with him because I coordinated the band’s practice schedule. We had long conversations every time I contacted him about scheduling. We really enjoyed talking to each other on the phone, and we text each other constantly.

We had plans of seeing each other for coffee or for a snack together with our friends, but it didn’t push through.

Here is my question: Have I established an inappropriate relationship, even though both of us know we are involved with somebody else?

Answer

Typically we stick to issues with singles, but this is a good topic for singles to understand, and, in fact, it does involve a single man.

You know the answer. Of course it is inappropriate. He’s not a “younger man.” The two of you are practically the same age. Viewing him as a “younger man” is merely an attempt to convince yourself and maybe others that a romantic relationship with him would be out of the question because of his age. He’s closer in age to you by two years than my wife is to me. No, he’s just a man, and a very attractive and talented one with whom you have had nearly constant communication since you met him. What part of that scenario could possibly be appropriate, unless he is your twin brother?

I can’t imagine that your husband approves, if in fact he has any clue as to the depth of your relationship with this man. My guess is that he doesn’t have any idea of either the amount or the significance of communication between you and this other man.

Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. What if your husband had struck up a relationship with a new and very attractive and talented co-worker that was four years his junior? What if they were text-messaging one another constantly and having long conversations on the phone, discussing when they might be able to meet for coffee? I doubt you or anyone else would call that appropriate behavior for a married man.

I’m sure I’m not telling you what you don’t already know, but you’re having an emotional affair, which is how most sexual affairs begin, and you need to end this immediately. You need to explain to this man that the relationship you share with him is entirely inappropriate for a married woman, and to protect him, yourself and your marriage, you are going to greatly limit your contact with him. Or you might determine that you need to eliminate it altogether. You need to find yourself a trusted female friend who will hold you accountable to doing just that.

It sounds like God has helped you and your husband make it through some difficult times. He has brought the two of you together for a purpose. Don’t let the enemy destroy that. Go into your prayer closet and fight for your marriage and your love for your husband, and ask God how you can cultivate a marriage that brings Him glory. Then do what God shows you to do. That’s a sure way to affair-proof your marriage, honor your husband and bring pleasure to your heavenly Father.

Blessings,

JOHN THOMAS

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About the Author

John Thomas

John Thomas has been a Boundless contributor since its beginning in 1998. He and his wife, Alfie, have three children and live in Arkansas, where he serves as executive director of Ozark Camp and Conference Center, a youth camp and retreat center.