Question
Out of a desire to find a relationship, I joined an online dating site about six months ago. A guy from about 800 miles away contacted me. I decided it couldn’t hurt to see what happened, and we began to email one another on a weekly basis. We kept in touch via email for about four months.
At the beginning of month five, he said in an email that he thought it would be nice to hear one another’s voices and gave me his number and days he was free. He said if I was interested to text him when I was free to talk.
Since then, it has been about a month and a half of us talking on the phone. We have good conversations and have talked about deep things. We talk for at least an hour when he calls me.
I feel like thus far he has initiated things as much as possible in that he made the move to say let’s have a phone conversation and that he wants to be the one who calls me.
Recently, I have begun to wonder if it’s time to ask him what this is to him. I find myself becoming emotionally invested in this (whatever “this” is), and I don’t want to waste time with a guy who has no intentions of taking this beyond “there’s this girl who I can talk to and have good conversations with.” I want to ask him about that stuff, but it scares me.
How do I let him know that I’m interested in him via the phone? I’m willing to continue this friendship if it’s heading toward a more serious place, but I don’t know what to do or what to say or what is too soon or too late.
Answer
Kudos to both of you for taking the time to get to know each other. Real relationships don’t happen overnight. Sometimes couples rush into relationships, but on a dating site you have the advantage of being yourself, relaxing in the comfort of your own home or office and getting personal at your own pace, without the worries you might have in person. It’s good to relax and let the relationship develop.
Speaking from a man’s perspective, I would say that if your friend has taken a few months getting to know you via email, and this has progressed into chatting over the phone (for an hour or more each time, too), he is interested in you. The question is how much. He does take his time, as you have seen, so if that interest continues, the next logical step is that you meet in person.
And, the fact is, you have to meet in person to see if there really is something or not. It’s that “chemistry” part that you cannot know for sure until you have a face-to-face meeting. So, if there is potential, I say have that first meeting soon.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to sit around waiting for him to suggest you meet. Of course, it is possible (unlikely, I think) that he just likes to chat. You want to find that out. What I would do is ask in a third-person kind of way what he thinks about couples meeting in person and then see where the conversation takes you (e.g., “Hey, ____. I read recently that 1 in 5 relationships last year were from people who met online. Obviously, they had to meet offline at some point. I wonder how long the average was from first email to first meeting.”)
There is nothing wrong with hinting. That’s not overstepping any bounds or taking control or anything like that. It is merely asking a question – a general question. Let him run with it and see where it goes.
You may be thinking, What if he doesn’t pick up on my hint? Sometimes guys need to be “hit over the head,” so to speak. Try another hint, and if he still doesn’t get it, you could always come right out and ask, “What are your thoughts on us meeting in person?” Of course, once that’s out there, you need to be prepared for possible rejection. I’m not saying that will happen, but if he isn’t interested beyond chatting, at least you’ll know.
And, let’s put the distance factor in perspective: 800 miles is only a day’s drive (or a short flight). If he is truly interested, he’ll drive (or fly) to see you. When I was single and online dating, I drove twice that to meet women I had met online to see if the relationship we had developed to that point could progress after meeting in person. I wanted to know one way or another. That, and the curiosity and sense of adventure were exciting. In fact, the journey from first email to first meeting is part of the excitement for a man. We like to have to work to “get the girl.” Her value increases significantly in a man’s eyes if he has to make a big investment of his time and energy.
You are definitely worth it.
Be sure that he organizes his own lodging and that when you meet, you meet in a public place and stay in a public place each time you meet (depending on how long he is visiting). Be sure as well to find your own way home (you could arrange for a friend to pick you up at a set time).
Lastly, don’t forget the most important thing in all of this: prayer. God knows your heart — and your male friend’s heart. What does God have in store for you (or you both)? I believe that God walks with us on our journey through life. Sometimes He leads, and sometimes He pushes, but more often than not, He is beside us. So walk with Him and see where He takes you.
Sincerely,
SAM MOORCROFT
Copyright 2011 Sam Moorcroft. All rights reserved.
