If he’s not committing now, will he ever?
After that I was devastated. I tried to act like I didn’t care about him. That didn’t last because I couldn’t stand not keeping in contact with him. Our first meeting after that separation was sexual, and since then, we’ve been friends with benefits. To me it seems like we’re dating all over again because we do the same things we did before. I’ve even brought this up to him, and he just said yes, it does seem like we’re dating.
I don’t know what to do because I have fallen in love with him, my abortion was with him (his choice and I just agreed with it) and I just feel like there is no one out there who is better than him for me. I know this all sounds so horrible, but I can’t let go of him. He is one of the best guys I’ve ever met, and his only flaw, in my eyes, is that he’s not a Christian.
I desperately want to start living a better Christian life and to stop repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I want to get married, badly. I want to start a family, and I want it to be with him. But if he’s not committing now, will he ever commit? Should I just move on? Can we ever just be platonic friends if a relationship never works out? I don’t want to lose him again, and if I do, I don’t know how I will be able to get over it. What should I be doing?
Thank you for writing. I almost don’t know where to begin. Your story is heartbreaking. It’s tragic in that Christ came to die for you and set you free, yet you’re allowing the lies of the enemy to hold you in bondage.
As much as you think you love this guy, love is all about actions (1 Corinthians 13), not feelings. Your feelings are misleading you precisely because you have sinned sexually with this man, and sex, whether in marriage or outside of it, does bond people together. That’s the way God designed it. That’s why He is so precise about His commands to keep it within the protections of marriage.
He also made sex to make babies. That, too, is His design. Tragically, our culture has done all in its power to separate the two, making people think that babies are merely a consequence to be avoided. But in fact, they are the glorious result of two people in a covenantally bonded marriage. God made it that way so those babies would have two devoted people — a mommy and a daddy — to love and care for them, and to raise them up in the knowledge of God’s love and in the fear of His holiness.
My dear, I ache for you that you have accepted so many of these lies to your own hurt and the destruction of your child, and that you continue to long for a counterfeit. You are right that this guy will never commit. He hasn’t, and without the transforming power of Christ, he won’t. (Even an appearance of commitment, without a prior commitment to Christ, will be a cruel illusion.)
What you should be doing is running fast and far away from this man who is holding such a destructive power over you. He is using you. He has in the past and is continuing to do so. He is not an agent of kindness, love, protection or provision (what husbands are supposed to be; see Ephesians 5). You will suffer and fall short of the glorious plan God has for you as long as you have this man, in his present state, in your life.
My advice to you is heartfelt and urgent: Find a godly church whose pastor preaches from the Bible and which offers a healthy community of believers to join. Then do it — join the church. Get into fellowship with other believers. It’s impossible to live the Christian life apart from the body of believers. Seek out wise and godly counsel from older women. Confess your sins, repent and turn away from them. Seek forgiveness, restoration and renewal.
The only hope you have for a healthy, godly, fruitful marriage is in relationship with a body of believers and, ultimately, in marriage to a Christ-following man.
You’ve said the only flaw in this guy’s life is that he’s not a Christian. But that’s the only flaw that matters. I am very concerned that if you don’t lose this guy, you will lose your faith and therefore, your life. You cannot be platonic friends with this guy. He has defrauded you and abused you by taking advantage of you sexually and then convincing you to undergo the surgeon’s knife in order to sidestep his responsibility. You need godly women in your life who can help you think clearly about this.
But also, and this is most important, you need to be in God’s Word every day, reading through the Bible. The Lord wants you to come to Him in prayer — to talk with Him about what you’ve done. To ask Him to rescue you from your sin and to forgive you and to set your feet onto a better path.
I pray that you will do what the Holy Spirit is prompting you in your conscience to do. Regardless of how you feel, the rest of your life and all of eternity hangs on the decisions and actions you make right now.
May God pursue without end and rescue you.
Copyright 2009 Candice Watters. All rights reserved.
About the Author
Candice Watters is a wife, mom, and Bible teacher. She is the author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, co-founder with her husband, Steve, of Boundless.org and co-author of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies. They have four children and blog at FamilyMaking.com.