Another day, another creative and over-the-top marriage
proposal, or so it seems. First there was the flash-mob style proposal to the
tunes of Bruno Mars. Last week RELEVANT Magazine linked to another one — a
similar surprise engagement with a choreographed number on the beach. And who could
forget the guy who made a movie trailer and showed it at an actual theater
filled with his soon-to-be fiancée’s friends and family?
This recent trend in elaborate proposals, and similarly, the
endless wedding boards circulating on Pinterest has been on my mind as I’ve
been reading through Tim and Kathy Keller’s The
Meaning of Marriage (anyone else score a $4.99 Kindle version a few weeks
ago?) Lots of what the Kellers write about has to do with the idea of expecting a
perfect soulmate in marriage. You know, the idea that you’ll marry someone who
is already pretty close to ideal and that means marriage will be all
butterflies and rainbows every day. He makes a very compelling case for why
this idea is inherently flawed. Gary Thomas also illustrates the danger in this
way of thinking in his beautifully-written book Sacred Marriage. Both of these books look at marriage less as a means of making us happy and meeting
every need we’ll ever have in one person, and more about marriage being a tool
God uses to make us holy.
So I can’t help but think how we spend so much time on the
planning and executing of an engagement and wedding, and less time preparing
our hearts to be centered on Christ and preparing to live in union with another
flawed person. I’m the first to admit I get a little swoony over seeing a guy pull
off the perfect proposal for his beloved. I have a board on Pinterest with
ideas for my future wedding, and I look forward to implementing those one day. But
I’m asking the question of myself, and the Christian community as a whole, can
this do more harm than good?
Do these trends cause us to put incredibly high expectations
on the perfect proposal and the perfect wedding? I feel bad for the guys out
there who now think that along with simply asking a girl to marry him in a
sincere and personal way (and probably having had “the talk” with her father),
he has to make it incredibly original, elaborately creative, and then record it
for YouTube to be viewed by millions. I wonder how many guys think, If that’s what she’s expecting, how can I
ever compete?
And I’ve seen women drive themselves, and their bridal
party, crazy with trying to plan every detail to Pinterest perfection, down to
the exact shade of teal for the cupcake icing.
If this is the expectation we have for just one simple
question and just one day of celebration, does that mean we have even higher
expectations for the person we marry and the actual purpose of marriage? Maybe
we know that we don’t need a viral
YouTube proposal or a wedding worthy of a six-page spread in Martha Stewart’s
magazine, but does part of us hope for this anyway? I know that at times I
have. I’m not saying that hoping or ever wanting a fun proposal and a pretty
wedding is necessarily a bad thing, but I do think we can get so wrapped in it
that we lose sight, even if for just a moment, of the true purpose of marriage.
When the excitement of the proposal story wears off, and
the wedding pictures have all been posted on Facebook, are we disappointed with
the reality of marriage in real life — the very unglamorous things such as doing
the dishes, getting the tires rotated, and deciding which family to spend
Thanksgiving with?
Talk to any married person, and they’ll tell you that part of
being a newlywed is adjusting to sharing a life and house and bed with another
person. Like any relationship, the reality is often different than the
expectations. But is getting caught up in all of the hype putting unfair expectations on your spouse and
marriage?
Maybe for some it is and for others, not so much. But as
singles, we can use this time to prepare for marriage and learn to adjust our
expectations now. Whether your engagement goes viral or your wedding decor is
the envy of all your friends, we can learn to cultivate a heart and attitude
that esteems marriage beyond the proposal and wedding day.
What do you think? Are these elaborate proposals and
weddings just a fun way to celebrate marriage? Is there any danger in how they
might affect our view of marriage?
