“Should I break up with him?”
Her words hung in the air. This wasn’t the first time my friend Ava* asked me that question.
It was a conversation we’d had too many times. Her boyfriend had let her down again; in fact, he’d disrespected her, burdened her with his sin, and emotionally bruised her. I couldn’t stand to see her hurt again, and I couldn’t stand this guy who was hurting her. I wanted to scream, “Yes! Break up with him!” Instead, I bit my tongue and swallowed the words that boiled inside me.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
I know breakups aren’t easy. I was there when she prepared for their first date, and I remember our countless hangouts, staying up late fantasizing about their future together. Along with their bad times, I saw the good times, and I wanted to hold out hope that they would return. Anyway, I thought, who am I to dictate their relationship?
However, for Ava, my honesty meant everything.
It’s hard to see a friend navigate a bad relationship, and it’s difficult to know what to do. For me, even though the problems were obvious, I worried about being wrong and misleading Ava into more pain. There’s also the fear that speaking up will be detrimental to the friendship, or the assumption that it’s not your place to “butt in.” Regardless of what the concern may be, godly friendships are built for times like these. The book of Ecclesiastes reminds us:
“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor; for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up!” (Ecc. 4:9-10, NASB)
Ava has since broken up with her ex (praise God!), and while the transition to singleness has come with some difficulty, the incredible peace of God has followed. On a recent phone call with Ava, I asked what encouraged her to finally leave and what I and others could have done to lead her to that decision sooner. I’ve condensed our conversation into four tips to guide you as you seek to help a friend in a bad relationship.
Sympathize with your friend’s emotions.
Despite how horrible the relationship may seem to you, try putting yourself in your friend’s shoes. Seek to understand what is tying them to their significant other. Maybe they’re afraid to let go of the person they once knew, or they fear losing a part of themself. Do they worry about having no community? Are they concerned they’ll be seen as a failure if they leave? Create a safe space for your friend to open up about these fears. Listen, validate, and ask questions to unveil the bigger picture.
If you find your friend rejecting your advice, defending their partner, or even pulling away from the friendship, return to this tip. Chances are their response is not personal to you but rather is a reaction to their deeper emotions.
Be a prayer warrior.
Continuously pray with and for your friend. Ask God to direct their path, strengthen them, and pour His Spirit and peace into the situation. Even if your friend is not a believer, still offer to pray together. This may be an opportunity to share the love of Jesus with them!
Have fun together.
While in a relationship, it’s easy for someone’s partner to become the heart of their community, and in some cases, their identity. It’s scary to walk away when you fear you’ll have nothing else. Practice taking your friend on your own “dates.” Have fun together, introduce them to new friends, and reassure them of their individual identity as a child of God. Try planning a trip together, learn a new hobby, host a sleepover, work out together, start a Bible study, or join a small group at your church.
Practice speaking the truth in love.
I struggled with this tip, but for Ava it was crucial. Lovingly talk to your friend out of an area of concern. Let your friend know you are there for them, that you love them unconditionally, and that it is OK to let go and grow apart from their partner. Here are a few ways you can lovingly lead into an honest conversation:
- “Hey, I love you so dearly, and it hurts to see you go through so much pain …”
- “You are an incredible person, but I feel like this relationship is dimming your light …”
- “I love you both, but caring for you is my priority …”
Be gentle with your friend, but speak the truth. The final push Ava needed to leave came from her dad when he asked her, “Do you want to marry this guy?” She needed to be challenged with a blunt question to truly see her relationship for what it was.
As you walk alongside your friend in this difficult season, remember that you are not alone. Every relationship is unique, but we serve a never-changing, infinitely loving God who longs to be with us in our troubles. Even better, He is ready to help us (or help us help others) walk away from them when it’s for His glory and our good.
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*Name has been changed
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