In this blog series, we are discussing four fighting patterns that are extremely destructive to relationships. If you want to read more about these patterns as well as many other marriage communication techniques, check out Fighting for Your Marriage.
Read Part 1 about Escalation. This time we’ll discuss Invalidation.
Destructive Pattern #2 – Invalidation
Invalidation is a pattern of communication where one person will negatively attack the feelings, thoughts or character of another person. This can be done in both indirect and direct ways.
Here is an example of direct invalidation from the book:
WENDY: (very angry) You missed your doctor’s appointment again! I even texted you to remind you. You are so irresponsible. I could see you dying and leaving me, just like your father.
TED: (bruised) Thanks a lot. You know I am nothing like my father.
WENDY: He was useless, and so are you.
TED: (dripping with sarcasm) I’m sorry. I forgot my good fortune to be married to such a paragon of responsibility. You can’t even keep your purse organized.
WENDY: At least I am not so obsessive about stupid little things.
TED: You are so arrogant.
When invalidation turns to an attack on someone’s character, the relationship will suffer from extreme destruction. Soon, both people will feel contempt for each other, and they are destined for an ugly breakup.
This second example shows how invalidation can play out indirectly. While this is not as destructive as direct invalidation is, any type of invalidation will put up barriers in the relationship.
SALLY: (distraught) Joe, I wish you would spend more time with me. I have been feeling lonely lately especially since you have been spending so much more time at work.
JOE: Hey, I try to provide for this family, and God has provided this overtime. Just hold on a bit longer, and it will all be over.
SALLY: (sighing) You don’t get it! I need time with my husband.
JOE: I think you are being a little selfish. Here I am trying to work my butt off, and what are you doing? Just whining and complaining. Show a little appreciation here!
SALLY: ….(turns away)
If this type of invalidation continues, Sally will begin to believe that her husband does not care for her, and she will develop frustration and bitterness toward him. Indirect invalidation is a poison that will undermine the relationship’s foundation.
Indirect invalidation could be even more subtle than this example. When somebody tries to constructively help somebody and tells them, “It’s not so bad,” that is an invalidating response. This will eventually lead to bitterness and a sense of loneliness.
How can invalidation be prevented?
The only way to prevent invalidation is to have the humility to put oneself into the shoes of another, and give respect and acknowledgement to their viewpoint. This tactic is called Validation, and it can be extremely difficult to do when you are angry or frustrated in the moment.
Here is how the book describes validation playing out in the first example.
WENDY: (very angry) You missed your doctor’s appointment again! I even texted you to remind you. You are so irresponsible. I could see you dying and leaving me, just like your father.
TED: (surprised) It really upset you, didn’t it?
WENDY: You bet. I want to know that you are going to be there for me, and when you miss an appointment that I’m anxious about, I worry about us.
TED: I understand why it would make you worried when I don’t take care of myself.
Instead of allowing Wendy’s hurtful comment to offend him, Ted chose to see the hurt and fear that Wendy was feeling. He came alongside her and validated her fear. Coming alongside the other person as a teammate who respects her feelings will have much better results than attacking her for her hurtful comments. Remember: hurting people hurt people. Invalidation will only escalate the situation.
SALLY: (distraught) Joe, I wish you would spend more time with me. I have been feeling lonely lately especially since you have been spending so much more time at work.
JOE: (frustrated but self-controlled) I’m sorry, hun. I see that my working overtime has really affected you. I wish I didn’t have to be gone so much either. This crazy schedule will be over soon, but until then I will make sure to be intentional where I can. We will get through this together.
SALLY: (hugs him) Thank you, Joe, it gives me such peace to know that you care about what I care about.
There are many everyday situations when people’s feelings and thoughts are put down. If this happens over and over in a marriage or even a friendship, there will soon become an impassible barrier in the relationship. What Sally said might not have changed the fact that Joe still had to work those hours, but instead of choosing to put down her feelings as selfish, he chose to come alongside her and act as her teammate.
Remember: coming alongside the person and letting him know you care about what he is feeling and that you want to be there for him is the best way to prevent destructive patterns from forming in your relationships.
Fighting for Your Marriage states that invalidation is one of the biggest indicators for future problems in a marriage and for future divorce. Validation is the best tool that you have to fight this relationship destroyer. Be alert for this deadly form of communication, and work hard to make validation a part of your everyday communication.
To be continued…
