I recently received a note from a Boundless reader telling me her boyfriend’s parents disapprove of their relationship. Even though the couple has sought godly counsel and covered the relationship with prayer, the man’s parents, who are Christians, are concerned he’s rushing into the relationship with a woman several years older than he. His parents are worried the couple will feel pressured into starting a family because the woman is in her early 30s.
You may already know that my husband and I have a significant age difference (I’m older). This reader asked if I had experienced something similar and asked for my advice. I enjoyed taking a walk down memory lane — back 15 years to when my husband and I were dating — to answer her question.
In search of parental blessing
Securing parental support in relationships can be a tricky thing to navigate. If your parents are reasonable individuals who share your faith or at least your values, they can be a great source of wise counsel. They know you better than most others in your life because they’ve known you longer. Even if a parent isn’t a believer, he or she may have valuable insights on who would make you a great life partner.
When I started dating Kevin, I looked to my parents immediately. I wanted to be sure they saw what I saw — that Kevin was a man of integrity who loved Jesus and would make a great husband and father. Because I was 30 at the time, my parents, who lived in a different state, were fully supportive based on what I told them over the phone. They knew me and trusted my judgment. And I was spiritually and emotionally mature by that point. They first met Kevin the weekend he asked my dad if he could marry me.
One of my fondest memories from that weekend happened when we all went out to dinner the evening after Dad had given Kevin his blessing to marry me. “Kevin,” he said after we had finished our meal, “Suzanne’s mom would love to hear what you told me earlier.” Kevin’s eyes grew wide. But he dutifully launched into the “I love your daughter” speech, giving me the rare opportunity to hear my boyfriend ask for my hand in marriage.
Kevin’s parents responded a little differently. They lived nearby and when Kevin told them about me, they had concerns. I’m sure they wondered why this “older woman” was interested in their son who had just graduated from college the previous year. I remember the first time Kevin and I met them for coffee. They were polite and friendly, but I sensed the jury was still out. We talked about my job, friends and family, and I think they left feeling a little more at ease. I’m sure they still had concerns but over time, as they got to know me, their qualms subsided.
How to respond when parents push back
Lack of parental approval for romantic relationships has been a theme of literature and entertainment for centuries. A quick online search brings up dozens of articles on the topic. So, if your parents aren’t thrilled about the person you’re dating, you’re not the first to face that hurdle. At times it may just be a feeling they have, but sometimes they may have legitimate objections that you shouldn’t ignore. Here are three ways to navigate a parent’s disapproval.
Allow them to speak their objections without you getting defensive. Proverbs 11:14 tells us, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Listening to someone who knows you well and cares about you costs you nothing and may save you from a bad relationship. When Kevin’s parents voiced their concerns about our age difference and how fast the relationship was moving, he listened. He also understood that their concern was based on limited information. Their concern prompted us to discuss the age difference issue more thoroughly, which helped us go into marriage more prepared.
Help your parents get to know your significant other. Although our relationship moved quickly, Kevin arranged for me to spend time with his parents and siblings so they could get to know me. I joined them for family gatherings and even attended a family wedding. They soon discovered how well we worked together and how our interests in life were aligned. They also got a feel for who I was — that I had worked diligently at a job for almost a decade and had healthy friendships and close family ties. By the time we got engaged, they were fully on board and even helped us celebrate after he popped the question.
Invite others in. If a parent’s disapproval persists, seek advice from mentors, pastors, counselors and friends you trust. Do they have similar worries about the relationship? It’s possible you have a blind spot. Many years ago, a friend told me her close family member had married a man with a drug addiction. “We all saw it and tried to warn her against marrying him, but she thought he would change.” Pay attention if multiple people in your life are expressing similar concerns. If a parent is the only one objecting, then a godly community is essential for moving forward in a relationship.
Looking to the future
If, after you’ve tried everything, parents still object to the relationship, think through the potential challenges that might arise if the relationship continues. If you marry, you will be linked to both of your parents for years to come, which could put extra stress on your relationship. A good marriage is still possible, but you may have to set boundaries, pursue counseling, or seek out additional support.
When Kevin’s parents first voiced their concerns about our relationship, he listened. Then he reassured them that while he heard their concerns, it was his decision and he believed we were following the Lord’s leading. Ultimately, children sometimes make different decisions than their parents would. What’s important in any relationship is to walk forward prayerfully with godly counsel.
Every relationship will have its challenges — disapproval from parents is just one of them. As you focus on the goal of building toward a Christ-centered marriage, trust Him to take care of the rest.
Copyright 2024 Suzanne Hadley Gosselin. All rights reserved.