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I met my husband, Ben, on a missions trip. I sensed that he liked me, but tried to ignore his attention because I was focused on the trip. After we got back, Ben asked if he could come over. We revisited our experience overseas and shared photos. We began a casual friendship, and two months later went on our first official date.
In his book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” Dr. Henry Cloud explains the purpose of dating this way:
“Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen.”
That is what Ben and I aimed to do — get to know each other. Navigating the confusing, beautiful, and magical season of “dating” had its highs and lows. There were many learning curves, disagreements and tears. But it was a season that well-equipped us for the future.
Ben and I both became Christians at a young age. Faith was central to our dating relationship, and we wanted to honor God in every aspect of our relationship, including the physical. However, the lines between godly and sinful behaviors weren’t always clear-cut. We call these gray areas.
Gray areas are actions and circumstances that Scripture doesn’t specifically speak to. Some people believe they are unwise or even harmful, while others don’t. Examples could include:
- Kissing before marriage
- Spending time together after dark
- Hanging out behind closed doors
When you throw hormones, romance, and another attractive but sinful human into the mix of these morally gray areas, pain, confusion, and angst often arise.
Looking back, I hadn’t thought or prayed much about setting boundaries in dating. I didn’t seek to explore and understand these “gray” areas. I wish I had. The first step to setting boundaries is defining them.
What are boundaries?
Like morally gray areas, boundaries are often ambiguous; everyone has an opinion about them. Practically speaking, here are a few helpful characteristics of what boundaries are — and aren’t.
Boundaries are:
- Guidelines for helping you reject sinful attitudes and behavior
- Intended to help you honor God in your relationship
- Specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound (SMART) goals between you and your partner
- Realistic and appropriate for your specific season and situation
Boundaries are not:
- Legal contracts that suck the fun out of dating
- Legalistic ways of manipulating your relationship
- Concrete walls that can never be adapted once you set them
Boundaries are ever-evolving. This isn’t a one-and-done conversation you can tuck in your pocket and move on from; boundaries must be discussed and reviewed as you and your partner grow and mature.
What do boundaries look like?
When Ben and I first started dating, we made some simple boundaries:
- No hanging out in dark rooms after 10 p.m.
- No kissing until marriage
- Doing dates in public places if we’re feeling tempted
Once we were engaged, we added some additional boundaries. You’d be surprised how much temptation increases on your way to the altar. Things like hugs, forehead kisses (because we weren’t kissing on the lips), and cuddles were no longer merely cute affections, but sexual turn-ons.
Some extra boundaries included:
- Hugging in public, not private
- Limiting forehead kisses to a few seconds
- Cuddling only in group spaces (like a living room or game room) with others present
As with any relationship, evaluating where your and your partner’s hearts are regarding these boundaries is important. The question is not, “How close can I get to the line without crossing it?” but “How can I honor Jesus in this relationship?” Our standard should be Jesus’ example, not the world’s.
Confused about where to start? Here are three tips to help you set boundaries before marriage, minimizing heartbreak and indecision later.
1. Don’t wait to make a game plan.
In Proverbs 7:1-26, we read about a young man who finds himself on the street of a seductive woman. The Amplified Bible translation provides this description:
“For at the window of my house I looked out through my lattice. And among the naive [the inexperienced and gullible], I saw among the youths a young man lacking [good] sense, passing through the street near her corner; and he took the path to her house” (Proverbs 7:6-8, AMP).
The young man in this Proverb could’ve taken a different path home but was enticed by the woman’s flattery. And because he had already gone down that road,
“with her many persuasions she caused him to yield; with her flattering lips she seduced him. Suddenly he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter [not knowing the outcome], or as one in stocks going to the correction [to be given] to a fool” (Proverbs 7:21-22, AMP).
It’s hard to fight temptation when you’ve already crossed the line. If you want to set protective boundaries while dating, it’s crucial to do this before things get hot and heavy. Before you’re enticed by what looks appealing and feels good (Hebrews 11:25; Proverbs 14:12). Let’s look at an example:
Blue and Alice have dated two months. They’re solid Christians who pray, attend church, and study the Scriptures. They’ve held hands and kissed a couple of times, however they had an intense make-out session in Blue’s car on their last date. They’re uncertain how far things would’ve gone if it weren’t for Alice’s phone interrupting them.
Blue and Alice could’ve prevented this encounter by setting boundaries when they first started dating. Clearly, time alone in a parked car isn’t a good idea for them. It’s probably not a good idea for most dating couples.
I’m not saying to discuss boundaries on the first date or decide right now if you’ll marry this person; there’s a purpose for every season. But I’m saying that boundaries are important. They are agreed-upon terms you and your significant other create and adhere to before temptation starts knocking.
I’d also highly recommend getting accountability in your boundaries. Tell a trusted mentor couple from your church about your commitment and ask them to check in with you and hold you accountable to the parameters you’ve established. This is wisdom, pure and simple.
2. Be honest and clear.
When Ben and I first met, I wanted to save my first kiss for marriage. Kissing before marriage isn’t a sin, but to me, it was sacred.
In Leviticus 10:10, God tells us to separate what’s common from what is sacred. Though this Old Testament verse references ceremonial cleanliness, the same applies to pursuing purity in our relationships today. Trusting God with intimate and holy things creates deeper joy, love, passion and fulfillment. But it’s only possible if we’re honest.
Having clear boundaries requires us to stay within the lines God has given us in His Word. But it is always for our good. John Piper phrases Psalm 16:6 this way, “The lines have fallen for me in pleasures, I have a beautiful inheritance.” Lasting pleasure and fulfillment with our significant other only happens when we remain within these boundary lines.
As with gray spaces, determining what’s sacred may differ for your relationship and is between you and God. But there is a special kind of beauty in maintaining integrity through clear boundaries.
A few months into dating, Ben and I broke up. He wasn’t being himself, and I couldn’t decide how I felt about him. Three months later, the Lord led us back together. I was open to kissing this time, but now Ben wanted to wait. In an honest confession, he told me not kissing would help him sexually. He was easily tempted by a history of pornography addiction and wanted to protect us.
This was a challenging conversation. Nothing was easy about not kissing during our dating season. But the wait was worth it because we honored God with all we had — physically, spiritually, emotionally and relationally. In this case, restraining intimacy (even kissing) was the best way to honor Ben, God, and our relationship.
Giving into my desires would’ve been selfish and compromised our purity. By abstaining from kissing, we built our relationship on foundational friendship. We protected our purity and carried out a boundary we’d agreed to keep.
3. Date with purpose.
The other day I was listening to Sadie Robertson’s “WHOA That’s Good” podcast on “A Messy Conversation About Sex and Marriage.” In this episode, they gave an illustration highlighting the purpose of reserving sex for marriage. Imagine it this way:
You’ve been eyeing a red pickup truck for five years. You’ve researched it, know the mechanics, and talked to current owners. Before purchasing, you think about taking an unauthorized test drive, but you refrain; you could damage the truck and your potential for owning one. Choosing to wait until marriage to have sex and choosing to date with purpose are the same way.
Dating is about getting to know someone and seeing if they’re marriage material. There’s no need to “test-drive” sex or push boundaries; if you’ve built a solid connection, intimacy will follow naturally.
Jefferson Bethke once said, “Dating with no intent to marry is like going to the grocery store with no money. You either leave unhappy or take something that isn’t yours.” Marshall Segal, author of “Not Yet Married,” explains this further in his pursuit of clarity over intimacy. “While the great prize in marriage is Christ-centered intimacy, the great prize in dating is Christ-centered clarity.”
Part of setting boundaries means dating with purpose and intentionality. It means sticking to boundaries even when you feel tempted, and evaluating if this relationship is right for you and the person you’re dating.
While you don’t need to know if the person you’re dating is “the one” on the first date, it’s important to note that being a Christian who sets boundaries is someone who doesn’t just date to date. We’re not looking to have a “good time” or “a fling” — we’re looking for someone to pursue the kingdom of God with forever.
How setting boundaries glorifies God
When it comes to setting boundaries before marriage, let me be clear:
- It’s not a sin to kiss before marriage
- It’s not a sin to think your partner is attractive or have sexual feelings toward them in dating
- God created us as sexual beings and those desires are fulfilled within the context of marriage
What we do know is that Jesus commands us to flee from anything that tempts us to awaken our sexual desire before marriage (Song of Solomon 8:4). It’s a sin to think lustfully about your partner before you’re married. And that’s why integrity with ourselves is emphasized (Jeremiah 17:9; Proverbs 4:23; Romans 13:14). It’s also why not waiting to set boundaries, being honest and clear, and dating with purpose from the start are so valuable.
Sexual activity is natural and healthy within marriage, but it’s important to keep sex within that commitment. Again, the intent isn’t to be prescriptive or focus only on behavior. God-honoring sexuality begins in the mind and heart, and regardless of what boundaries we set before marriage, Christ’s holiness is the standard we follow. After all, it’s His approval we seek.
Copyright 2024 Amber Ginter. All rights reserved.