In her book “The Hiding Place,” Corrie ten Boom shares the story of falling in love with Karel, a friend of her brother Willem. While in her 20s, Corrie began a pattern of daily walks with Karel that quickly developed into conversations about a future together, complete with a house and children.
Willem warned Corrie that Karel’s family would disapprove of her. He knew they were set on Karel marrying a woman with money and status, and that his friend could not disappoint them. Karel and Corrie’s relationship shifted to long distance, sustained by letters, until one day Karel showed up unexpectedly at Corrie’s door and introduced another woman to her as his fiancée.
Willem had been right. Devastated, Corrie ran to her room and wept.
Corrie went on to hide Jews in the Netherlands during World War II. This work landed her in Ravensbruck, a Nazi concentration camp, where she spent most of 1944. After the war, she opened a home to provide healing for concentration camp survivors. She also began writing and speaking about what she had learned during her time in Ravensbruck. For decades she traveled internationally, teaching about God’s grace in suffering and the power of the gospel for reconciliation.
Corrie’s life illustrates what the Apostle Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34. Here, Paul tells us that one of the great privileges of singleness is the ability to focus on serving God’s kingdom, unencumbered by the distractions of marriage. Of course, those who are married also serve God’s kingdom through their family life. But it is far more difficult for them to have a singular focus on the type of outward-facing ministry that characterized Corrie’s life.
While losing Karel was devastating at the time, it enabled the never-married Corrie to have a future ministry of great purpose. As we’re reminded in 1 Corinthians 2:9, we simply have not seen, heard or imagined “what God has prepared for those who love him.”
Singles stay curious
How do we find joy and contentment in singleness if we long for marriage? How do we avoid cynicism or bitterness? Pastor Carey Nieuwhof teaches that the cure to cynicism is curiosity. One way singles can grow in joy and contentment is to be curious about how God is using our flexibility and freedom to advance His kingdom. God was not just at work in Corrie’s story; He is at work in yours, too.
I see this in my own life. In my late 20s I became the only pastor at an established church. This was both wonderful and terrible. Wonderful, because I had my dream job at least 10 years early; terrible, because I skipped 10 years of learning and growing as an assistant pastor. My early years of ministry were what one mentor called a “vertical learning curve.” Thrust into that leadership position with practically no experience, my days were often stressful and busy.
I look back and see God’s mercy and wisdom in keeping me single. I can only imagine the damage my work habits would have done to a wife or children. Unmarried, I could move forward with singular focus. A local pastor once asked me what it was like to be a single pastor. I told him, “I don’t have conversations with my wife about how many nights a week I can be out.”
As Søren Kierkegaard famously said, “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” I can now genuinely thank God for keeping me single. Being never married in my 30s is not how I would have written my story, but thankfully, I’m not the author. As the Heidelberg Catechism reminds me, I am not my own but belong to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.
Of course, singleness provides more than the opportunity to focus on serving Christ. We can find gratitude in other ways singleness provides unexpected delight: deeper connections with friends and a greater capacity for generosity, just to name two.
Singles seeking joy and contentment can ask God for opportunities to leverage our freedom for the kingdom. And we can reflect on how God is already using us. Pray about how your singleness can be an answer to the Lord’s Prayer — how God can use you as His instrument to make it on earth as it is in heaven.
Singles lament in hope
In exercising curiosity, we must not gloss over loss and grief. Marriage is a great gift that offers unique benefits and privileges. Singles who long for it know the truth of Proverbs 13:12: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” While we obviously struggle with consumerism in the west, we are also anemic when it comes to grief and lament.
Depending on who you ask, somewhere from one third to one half of the Psalms are laments. And yet many of us cannot define lament, much less do it. Lament is crying out to God with our grief while also holding on to His goodness and faithfulness. Old Testament scholar Jay Sklar describes it as “hope in the midst of sorrow.”
In her article, “Friends, We Are Not in a Grief Contest,” Dr. Dani Treweek has the courage to name the grief, losses, disappointments and insecurities that come with the single life. Her account is candid, poignant and raw. Many singles are unwilling to name these things because of the attendant pain, yet we must acknowledge our losses and sadness if we want true joy.
Brene Brown sums it up well in “The Gifts of Imperfection”:
“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
We cannot end up at joy without traveling through grief.
The Psalms show this, too. Despite being full of lament, the last five Psalms in the Bible are ones of praise and rejoicing. In his commentary on the Psalms, Derek Kidner says this reflects the pattern of the Christian life:
“[T]he Psalms are a miniature of our story as a whole, which will end in unbroken blessing and delight.”
If you belong to the Lord, your life is destined to end in blessing and delight, regardless of whether you marry.
Name your losses like Dr. Treweek. Cry about them like Corrie Ten Boom. And trust God’s promise in Psalm 34:18, that He is “near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Singles look outward
We do not only look inward and lament. We also focus outward in service.
Years ago, I went on a few dates with a woman who told me how upset she would be if the congregational prayer at her church on Sunday morning mentioned families but not singles. In First World countries we face the constant temptation to be consumers, even at church. Who’s serving me? Are my needs met? Can I connect with people who think and act like me? Both singles and couples often enter churches wondering if their demographic is well represented.
Let me gently suggest that if this is your primary question as you enter a church, you have lost the plot. God is creating a new humanity in Jesus Christ made up of people from every nation and every walk of life. One of the great blessings of the church is that it forces you to interact with people different than you. Navel gazing about your constituency is not the path to joy and contentment.
This past spring, I bought a wood pellet smoker and learned how to make ribs and pulled pork. More importantly, I committed to gathering people at my house every month for smoked meat. While pork was the draw, connection and community were the goal. More than that, I experienced joy in serving others and bringing them together. I invited other singles, but I also included my middle-aged neighbor who is married with kids.
It turns out Jesus was right when He told us “it is more blessed to give than to receive.“ Treating community as a consumer good will disappoint. Serving others and creating community brings joy.
In the first chapter of his letter to the Philippians, Paul emphasizes that Christian unity comes not from similar life circumstances but from our “partnership in the gospel.“ Joy comes as we pursue God’s kingdom together, not from being with people who share our life stage. In the second chapter, Paul tells us,
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Do you want more joy and contentment? Don’t church-shop for the best singles group or demand programs tailored to you. Find people right in front of you to serve. Do the hard work of building relationships with people in different life stages. Follow God together. I promise you this will bear rich fruit.
Singles follow Jesus
So much of our angst around singleness is about comparison — to others around us and to where we wish we were in life. Tempted by comparison, Peter once asked Jesus about his fellow apostle John’s future. Jesus’ response in John 21 is a challenge to us all:
“Jesus said to him, ‘If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!’”
God is doing a unique work in you. While the antidote to cynicism is curiosity, the solution to comparison is gratitude. A trusted friend reminded me that “as we focus on how God is loving us here and now, it is less tempting to envy how He is loving others in their circumstances.”
Jesus turned Peter’s gaze away from John and the temptation of comparison. Peter needed to focus on God’s unique calling on his life. If you follow Him, Jesus also has a unique calling for you. Paul tells us in Ephesians 2:10,
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
God prepared works for you before you were born. Your singleness is a part of that, not a hindrance. You can thank God for His providence in your life, set your eyes firmly on Jesus, and perform those works faithfully. This is a sure path to contentment and joy in every season.
Copyright 2025 Matthew Capone. All rights reserved.
