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What should I do if my friend and I like the same guy?

I don't think I could be bold enough to tell Rob how I feel, and I don't want to hurt Sarah. I feel subversive. What, if anything, should I do?


I am 25. I go to a fairly small church and have a small group of friends there I hang out with — a young married couple, a girl friend (let’s call her Sarah), and a guy friend (let’s call him Rob). The problem is that I have feelings for Rob, but I think Sarah does, too. She said once that she’s thought about dating him. I’m not sure how Rob feels. He might like Sarah as more than a friend.

Should I wait around for Rob? Sarah plans to leave the country in a few months, and our married friends are also moving. It’s going to be basically me and Rob for single people in the church. I don’t think I could be bold enough to tell Rob how I feel, and I don’t want to hurt Sarah. I feel subversive. What, if anything, should I do?


If it were me, I’d start by praying for wisdom. Ask God to guard your motives and help you be a genuine friend to both Rob and Sarah — kindness is always the standard. Then I’d stop talking about your feelings for Rob with Sarah. Be discreet. And remember, in the end, it’s Rob’s decision that matters — not which of you girls has the strongest feelings for him. He may choose you. He may choose Sarah. Or he may see both of you as friends and nothing more; disappointing you both by eventually dating someone else.

As to whether you should leave your church simply because Sarah’s leaving the country and your married friends are moving, I think you should reevaluate your understanding of what church is for and your role in it. This article is a good place to start: “Designer Church.”

Finally, why would you run from a situation where finally you and Rob are the only singles? It seems to me this would be the most logical opportunity for Rob to assess his feelings for you undistracted by Sarah’s attention.

And as I’ve been telling all the readers who’ve written with questions like yours, read Suzanne Hadley Gosselin’s article “Not Your Buddy.” It’s a must for single women who see nothing wrong with uncommitted intimate male friendships.



Copyright 2010 Candice Watters. All rights reserved.

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About the Author

Candice Watters

Candice Watters is the editor of, a weekly devotional blog helping believers fight the fight of faith by memorizing Scripture. She is the author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen. In 1998, she and her husband, Steve, founded Boundless.


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