Is emailing a guy the same as taking initiative?


How and when is it appropriate for girls to make the first move in beginning a relationship or even a friendship with a guy?

I recently met this guy when my family and his family got together for dinner one evening. Our moms work together, and they thought it was a good way for us to meet. Although we did not have a lot of time to talk one-on-one, I left feeling attracted to him and would like to get to know him better. His mom and my family also felt like he was interested in me. He has my email address and his parents have encouraged him to write to me; he has not. Now his mom is suggesting that I write to him to get a friendship started.

This goes against everything I ever believed about men initiating relationships, but do you think it is so bad if I initiate a friendship and see what happens from there? Also, do you know why men act so passive in these situations, and is this just adding to the problem by allowing him to remain passive?


I think you should trust your gut. Despite all the encouragement this guy has received to pursue you, for some reason, he hasn’t. He may be shy. But he may not be interested. For you to initiate out of impatience is likely to send him running the other way. Email is a low-risk way to start a friendship and the fact that he hasn’t — even though he knows you’d be open to it — suggests to me that he’s not interested. The fact that his mom “felt he was interested in you” is not really much to go on, seeing as a man’s heart is deep waters.

I know it’s frustrating to feel like there’s nothing you can do. But you can pray and you can go about the life God has given you; living to the full. This young man may observe you being (truly) content and find your confidence attractive (assuming it’s genuine). That’s always a possibility. What’s nearly certain is that if you’re the first one out of the gate toward a romantic relationship, you’ll either scare him off or attract him in a way that only encourages his passivity.

Stay Strong,


Copyright 2010 Candice Watters. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Candice Watters

Candice Watters is a wife, mom, and Bible teacher. She is the author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, co-founder with her husband, Steve, of and co-author of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies. They have four children and blog at