Well, talk about getting caught in unexpected circumstances. My recent post, “Help, I’m on a Date and Can’t Get Out,” engendered a lot of discussion based on incomplete information — and it’s all my fault.
While most tried to be helpful, the consensus seemed to be that both my daughter and I were overreacting to an innocent situation. The problem is, there was way more background to the story that I didn’t share, mostly out of a desire to not bog down the basic point. I see now that I should have included it. Had I done so, most of the comments would have been moot. (Still wonder if we’d have gotten some of the incredibly mean-spirited ones, though.)
In short, this was not a first-time event between Hannah and this young man. There was a history, not of dating, but of his clearly being interested in pursuing her. They run in the same circle of friends and have known each other for a while. Also, on that particular outing, other things happened that made it clear that he was thinking date while Hannah was thinking … well, not date but simply getting fro-yo with a friend. She came to the realization too late. She’d be the first to admit that the error was hers. The young man’s intentions and actions were purely honorable and chivalrous.
When she related the story over Skype (complete with my being able to see facial expression and body language), the story was funny, and that was the spirit in which I posted it. My first mistake was in leaving out the crucial back story. [sound of hand slapping forehead] My second was in including her name. Even though I had her permission, and my intent was to be purely honest and straightforward, I realize that the story would have worked just as well without that level of specifics.
I’ll close with Hannah’s reaction to the comments.
I think both you and I were looking at the situation of, “Oh, that’s a funny situation that happened that hopefully will never happen again.” The Boundless community is interpreting that as me being this picky woman on my high horse who smashes down all guys’ attempts at dating me because I have this unrealistic idea of “The One” when really, I did have a good time with him. I thought about the situation a lot and came to the (mature) conclusion that I’m not interested in him!
I understand the situation that sometimes attraction takes a while to develop (something that Boundless certainly has an opinion on). However, it doesn’t always happen. Sorry, Boundless, but I am still a believer in that spark that you get when you click with someone (No, not that chick flick idea of it). The natural chemistry that happens (in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic) when two people are actually compatible. And, again, sorry Boundless, but that’s not the case with [name redacted]. I’ve known him for over a year now, and nothing’s there!
I think I’m just frustrated that some people have basically called me stupid. I understand that I’ve made a few mistakes in this whole ordeal, but I do want to have high standards, and I don’t want to settle. I’m just a little hurt that the Boundless community reacted so strongly to this. Perhaps you should have just left if at the “oh crap, I’m on a date” and people could have just shared stories of other funny, innocent ambush dates instead of them telling me that my approach to dating is too strict.
Also, I am following a bit of their advice (though I was doing this without any of their help, thank you very much). While I know you told me to “have the talk with him” I am not going to enter into DTR territory unless he specifically tries to ask me out again. I will be more careful from now on in my interactions with him and make sure I’m not doing anything to lead him on, but I’m not going to be the one to bring up any intentional conversation. I believe that that is the man’s responsibility to take the initiative. If he wants to talk to me about that, I’ll try to respond in the most gracious way possible and decline him. However, for the sake of what friendship we have (and one that I would like to keep), I won’t bring anything up myself. Hopefully he’ll get the hint and we’ll save each other some embarrassment.
So there you have it. Now, with the full circumstances explained, would any of you change your responses?