I don’t have a good track record of being a best friend. From childhood through college, I mostly had friends for certain seasons or situations. I had school friends, church friends, neighborhood friends, band friends (haters gonna hate), and several stragglers from other walks of life.
It’s not that I was a bad friend. I actually spent a lot of time with my friends — playing, laughing, fighting, getting into trouble — all the normal friend stuff. I even did a couple blood pacts for good measure and had an elementary school friend gift me half of a “best friends” necklace to wear. The fact that I can’t remember who gave it to me is telling, though.
Despite the not-insignificant investment of time, blood and jewelry, most of my friendships ended when I moved, changed schools, or got especially mad at someone (“She stole my Barbie!” “She stole my boyfriend!”). Faced with disruption or change, geographic or otherwise, I just didn’t have the skills (or maturity) to keep the relationship going.
The search for a best friend
That said, my friend game has leveled up in adulthood. In some ways, it’s had to. As a single woman, if I don’t invest in friendships, I end up alone. Even my married friends who claim their spouse as their best friend admit that he or she can’t do it all — can’t be it all.
One of the biggest questions I get at Boundless is, “How can I find a true friend?” It’s a bit of a trick question, because the answer is — you don’t. You don’t find true friendship. You build it.
I’ve now done this a few times and have decided there are at least five common qualities necessary in your relationship with a BFF, whether male or female. Some take longer to cultivate than others, but all require effort and intention.
1. They actually like you.
A best friend enjoys being around you and likes the real you, not the you who is the life of the party, tells them what they want to hear, or gets them a free flight with the Southwest Companion Pass. A true best friend is fun to talk to, hang out with, share life with, and learn with. They are a genuinely interesting person. They create memories with you and want to relive them.
2. They’re your “ride or die.”
A true friend is loyal and supportive. They are selfless and giving, willing to sacrifice for your good. They will go to the gym with you. They will go to the ER with you. They’re your emergency contact and your fiercest prayer partner. They will cry with you or punch stuff (not people) with you when things are bad. They will cheer for you and show up for you, whatever the cost.
3. They call you on your stuff.
A best friend isn’t a pushover. They’re not a bully, but they’re not a coward, either. They will disagree with you and call you out when you are wrong, out of line, or being ridiculous. They don’t put up with your sin, but they forgive you when you repent of it. They don’t let you sit in sameness; they push you toward growth. They don’t let you be or do whatever you want; they help you be or do what God has called you to. True friendship is honest, real and sharpening on all fronts.
4. They fight with you and still remain your friend.
I have said the most horrible things to my best friends. I have done the most horrible things to my best friends. I have blamed them, betrayed them and tried to ditch them. But you haven’t tasted true friendship until you’ve fought with a friend only to discover you both want to work it out. You want to stay friends. Best friends don’t define you by your worst moments. They say, “That was bad, but it’s not who you are.” They say, “This is true, but it’s not the truest thing about you.” This only works when both parties are honest, repentant, and ruled by grace. If your relationship is one-sided, shame-based, or sucking the life out of you, that’s not friendship: that’s abuse. Walk away.
5. They move you toward Jesus — not away from Him.
A true friend wants what’s best for you, and ultimately, that’s Jesus. He is the GOAT, the original and unequaled Best Friend. Your earthly best friend will make sure you’re becoming more and more like Jesus. They won’t pull you into sinful behaviors or thought patterns. They won’t let you believe lies. They won’t let you hurt yourself or others. They will set a good example in reading and obeying God’s Word, fellowshipping with other believers, and serving. And they will never, ever try to be your number one. They will reserve that spot for Christ and Christ alone.
Be a friend to find a friend
Best friends are hard to come by. Not everyone is mature enough to press into the five things above. But for those who do, the benefits are huge. And this isn’t one-sided; you too must be all these things if you want to be best friend material. Healthy, God-honoring friends attract healthy, God-honoring friends. So grow in wisdom, humility, perseverance and love. Then pray for a true friend — or two or three. Blood pacts and necklaces optional.
Copyright 2025 Lisa Anderson. All rights reserved.
