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Your Turn: Being a Man is Worth Losing a Friend

Some years ago, I sat down with a longtime friend and told her I was romantically interested in her. I was physically attracted to her, liked her ambition, and valued her more than the other women my life.

She never spoke to me again.

I believe Scripture is clear on relationships. It’s the man’s role to make his intentions to a woman apparent and the woman’s to either accept or reject his advances. It’s not always fun to be the man (OK sometimes it’s fun) but the end result is worth the effort. The Bible tells us an excellent wife is more precious even than jewels (Proverbs 31:10, ESV).

The young lady I referred to earlier was a friend whom I’d known for years. In fact, we’d been exceptionally good friends and had developed an attraction we both acknowledged. So one evening over dinner, I acted upon it.

She agreed it was my role to act and her role to decide. She said she wanted some time to think. While not the response I’d hoped for, it was not the response I’d hoped against.

Everything about our culture today tells men not to be men. We’re told never to call a woman the day after a date, but make her wait it out so we retain control. Our culture says to always throw in a few mixed signals because after all, you need to play the game.

And while our culture is clear on one way to act, the Bible is clear on the correct way to act. The Bible teaches us the way to become real men, through admonitions to only date and marry fellow Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14) and a requirement to love and treat our spouse as we’d treat ourselves (Ephesians 5:33).

Man Up and Risk Losing Your Friend

After dinner I waited to hear back. And waited. Two months with no response, and I called her up. My voicemail wasn’t returned. Later I messaged her and offered to drive out to see her. “Thanks, I’ll let you know,” was the only reply. From there I wrote her, stating how much I valued our friendship, admitted I’d been flirting with her a bit too much without a commitment, and wanted to remedy that. No response. Finally, half a year after our initial conversation, with my own interest admittedly waning, I reached out one last time. Nothing.

To this day I haven’t spoken with her since the evening we had dinner. I lost a connection with one of my best friends, a person I had trusted and whose friendship I valued above almost all others. Apparently she didn’t value our friendship anywhere near as much as I had. It was one of the most disappointing circumstances that’s ever taken place in my life.

And it was absolutely worth it.

That may sound bizarre, but I valued her so much that I was willing to risk losing her friendship in the hopes of something better. What’s the best way to find the woman who knows how much you value and appreciate her? Tell the woman you’re interested in how much you value and appreciate her. Stop playing games and just tell her.

Desirable women deserve to be pursued, and 90 percent of guys are too shy or insecure to go after the woman they’re interested in. Our culture has beaten a sense of passivity into men to a point where alternative behavior is laughed and scoffed at.

Trust Faith Over Culture

Later on I told my story to another friend. “Are you crazy?” she exclaimed. “No one does things like that. You should have texted her or done something normal. You were 100 percent honest with her? That’s just weird; you probably scared her away.”

I laughed. I probably did scare her away, and I’m quite OK with that. The woman I’m interested in is one who’d value my effort and appreciate the risk of rejection I took for her.

Real men go after the things they want, period. You may have great female friends who you’ve considered asking out but decided against it. I waivered for a long time because I didn’t want to lose a friend. And though I eventually did anyway, I feel entirely comfortable knowing I saw something I wanted and I went after it, regardless of the outcome.

Separate yourself from the guys who’ve based their relationships on culture and not God’s Word. While your boldness may lead to the loss of a friendship, it may lead to the woman who appreciates your making it clear how much you value her. In turn, it may lead your future girlfriend or wife to find the bold, empowering, take charge, leader of a man she was waiting for all along.

Steve Bierfeldt is a libertarian who enjoys Crossfit and continually seeking out (and conquering) new challenges.

If you would like to contribute a post to the Boundless blog’s “Your Turn” Friday feature, see “Writers Wanted” for more details.

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