I am 27 years old. Single. Never been kissed. Not even close. (Well that’s not true. In fourth grade, my crush tried to kiss me, but I got scared and pushed him away.) If you had asked me when I was 15 years old what I thought about a woman who was 27, single and had never been kissed, I would have definitely commented on how pitiful her life must be. Fast forward 12 years, and I am that woman.
Back then, I thought that the one thing missing in my life was a boyfriend. I dreamed incessantly about being pursued by a boy, about being kissed, about what it would feel like to want someone and have that same person want me back. I guess you could say I’m still dreaming, because, alas, the boy still hasn’t come. It didn’t just start in high school either. I have a long history of being boy crazed dating back to kindergarten. And it continued on into college.
I began my freshman year determined to meet someone and fall in love. I fantasized about studying in the library and catching the eye of some fine young man. That didn’t happen, but once, my campus minister called to check on me and we talked for an hour. After this conversation, I felt positively certain that he was the one for me. Now he’s married with two kids. I guess I was wrong.
During my senior year, I fell hard for a friend of mine and was convinced that he was my husband. Many days were spent in frustration because he never pursued me though there were copious amounts of flirting. Then there was the guy who wasn’t a Christian, but who sent my heart into overdrive. I used to pray often that he’d come to know the Lord. I convinced myself that I was concerned for his soul, but looking back on it, I’m pretty sure that many of those prayers were my selfish attempt to get him saved so he could be my man.
Now, when I reflect on my long and varied crush history, I laugh to myself. The desire, the frustration, the wrestling with God — it was a major part of my growing up. Yet, with the laughter there is also a bit of grief. I grieve for this girl who sought fulfillment in relationships with boys and young men. The grief is then accompanied by rejoicing. I rejoice because God didn’t let me have what I was so desperate for. I wanted a boyfriend, and He gave me himself. I wanted physical intimacy, and I was offered intimacy with my Savior. I wanted to be wanted, and all the while He was proving to my little heart that He wanted me.
So that brings me to today: 27, single and with lips that are still waiting to be kissed. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t days, sometimes weeks, when I ache for marriage and for intimacy. But you know what I’ve learned? That at the core of this ache is really my longing for perfect and complete union with Christ. In meeting a man and being pursued by Him and experiencing the joys of a first kiss and marriage and sex with my husband, I will get a glimpse of the eternal, all consuming love that God has for us. The relationship here on earth is a foretaste of what awaits me when I see Jesus face to face. He’s the One that pursued me when no one else did. He’s the One that sees me when no one else pays attention. He’s the One that loves me with a relentless love.
I don’t know how long my lips will remain unkissed, but I am sure of this truth: He is with me, and He is good to me. He protected me from my own jacked up desires and plans. He shielded my heart. And over the years, He has shown me that all along what I was really chasing after, what I really needed, was not a whirlwind romance with the boy of my dreams, but a whirlwind romance with the Man who laid down His life for me.
This life with Christ is an adventure. Yes, there are difficult seasons of loneliness and disappointment. But there are also seasons of deep assurance and great joy. I am grateful for the way God has revealed himself to me in my singleness. And I am grateful He knows exactly when to give His best gifts. His timing is perfect, and His love never fails. At 15 years old I never imagined that at 27, I’d still be single with virgin lips. But I am. And you know what? I am doing just fine.
Lakeisha Blake is a writer and aspiring entrepreneur who lives in NC and enjoys building relationships with teens, singing, and deep conversations.
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