Church isn’t always easy. Conflict happens, and the community that once felt like home can suddenly feel confusing, frustrating, or even hurtful. Maybe a decision from leadership didn’t sit right. Perhaps a comment from another member stung. Or maybe, despite showing up week after week, you feel unseen and disconnected. It’s tempting to slip out the back door, never to return.
Church conflict — whether it’s a misunderstanding, a difference in priorities, or even a serious issue — isn’t new. And while conflict is never comfortable, it can be an opportunity for you to grow. It can lead to spiritual maturity, deeper relationships, and a more unified body of Christ. The key is handling church issues with grace, truth and humility while staying rooted in love — even when it’s hard.
Why church matters
Before we dig into how to handle problems in the church, we must remember why the church exists in the first place. Church isn’t just a social gathering or a spiritual service provider. Church is God’s idea, and He designed it to be a place where believers worship, grow, serve, and reflect His love together.
The New Testament paints a picture of the church as a body — many members, uniquely gifted, all connected to Christ as the head. It’s also described as a family, a temple and even the bride of Christ. In every metaphor, the message is the same: We’re meant to be joined together; no lone rangers or “just me and Jesus” Christians allowed.
But closeness creates friction. That’s why expecting a perfect church will always leave us disappointed. Churches are full of real people with real weaknesses — you included. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s growth in love. As Paul wrote, “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Colossians 3:14) Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s the decision to stay committed, to forgive, to speak truth, and to build each other up.
No church will get everything right. But by God’s grace we can become healthier, more loving and more united if we’re willing to do the work.
Don’t walk away from conflict
Years ago, I was a leader in a campus ministry and had a conflict with the head of the program. Not knowing what to do, I took the easy route — I left. I offered a vague “Things are really busy” and quietly disappeared. But deep down, I knew I was afraid of what people would think of me if I made waves, so I stayed quiet. The next time I faced a challenge at church, I remembered how unresolved and unsettled walking away had felt. That memory helped me choose a different path: one shaped by honesty, humility and biblical wisdom.
Even in healthy church communities, misunderstandings happen, personalities clash and people mess up. What we do in those moments shapes not only our relationships but our spiritual maturity.
We could try to figure it out on our own, but Jesus gives us a better way: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone…” (Matthew 18:15). He outlines a thoughtful process: private conversation first, then involving others only if necessary. The goal isn’t confrontation for the sake of being right; it’s restoration.
Going to someone instead of ghosting them takes courage. But it also shows love, humility, and a commitment to unity. Leaving in silence may feel easier, but the church grows stronger when we handle conflict with grace, not silence.
Talk with love, listen with humility
If we’re going to lean in instead of walk away, we need to know how to have hard conversations. This is where many of us get stuck because confronting someone — especially a church leader or close friend — can feel uncomfortable or even wrong. But Scripture doesn’t just tell us to talk to the person; it shows us how.
Paul reminds us to be intentional with our words: “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…” (Ephesians 4:15). Truth without love can become harsh or hurtful. Love without truth can become shallow or passive. But truth in love creates space for honesty, growth and healing.
When you approach someone, whether it’s a peer, pastor, or ministry leader, follow these steps:
- Ask God for wisdom and clarity.
- Own your part of the conflict. If you have something to repent of, do that first.
- Assume the best. Don’t accuse or assign the person a motive.
- Use “I” statements (“I felt hurt when…” vs. “You were wrong to…”).
- Be clear, not cruel. Truth and love are not opposites.
- Listen well. Ask clarifying questions and give space for the person to respond.
Sometimes, what we learn in this process changes everything. Other times, it confirms the concern. Either way, when both truth and grace are present, Christ is glorified — and reconciliation becomes possible.
When going to the person doesn’t work
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, approaching the person directly doesn’t lead to repentance and reconciliation. When a situation doesn’t improve after you’ve spoken to the individual in love, it may be time to take the next biblical step.
Matthew 18:16 tells us that if the person refuses to listen, “take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” This doesn’t mean recruiting friends to gang up on the person. Instead, involve trusted individuals who can mediate and offer perspective. The goal isn’t to create sides but to pursue peace and resolution.
If this still doesn’t resolve the issue, or if the person continues to be unresponsive or behave harmfully, it may be necessary to involve church leadership. Leadership is there to shepherd and protect the flock, and they should be called upon when personal efforts fail. If the issue is with a leader, consider outside leadership that could help, like a board or overseeing body.
It’s important to remember that even when things don’t resolve the way we hope, God is at work. He is present in our efforts to seek peace, and He will guide us in the way that leads to true healing.
Seek unity, not uniformity
In the church, God uses our differences to sharpen and refine us. While we may not agree on everything, we are called to be peacemakers and unity-builders. Colossians 3:14 reminds us, “…above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
When disagreements arise, resist the temptation to gossip or vent. These actions fracture the community. If you need help processing or navigating a conflict, speak in confidence to a trusted, wise person outside the situation for counsel. This is different from gossip; it’s seeking godly wisdom to handle the situation well.
Unity doesn’t require uniformity, but it does require love, humility and a commitment to honoring one another in Christ.
When is it time to leave?
Sometimes leaving a church is the right decision, but it should always be done prayerfully and with clarity. There are a few situations where it may be necessary:
- Abuse: If you feel unsafe or are being abused by someone in the church physically, sexually, emotionally or spiritually, it is essential to leave that situation and seek professional help to process what you should do next
- False teaching: If the church’s teachings stray from the gospel or essential truths of Scripture, it’s time to go
- Unrepentant sin in leadership: If leaders are living in sin without seeking accountability, it will hurt the church’s health and mission
- Lack of care for the body: If the church doesn’t prioritize spiritual maturity or care for its people, it may be time to find a place that does
Even when it’s time to leave, do so with grace and respect. Seek God’s guidance and make sure your decision is based on His will, not hurt feelings or personal offense.
Pray for your leaders
Leaders have a great deal of responsibility on both sides of a conflict. It’s important to remember that the Bible calls us to pray for our leaders, not just critique them. Instead of focusing solely on disagreements, pray for their wisdom, strength and humility.
Hebrews tells us that our leaders are watching over our souls and will give an account to God. By praying for them, we align ourselves with God’s purpose for the church and show respect, even in challenging times. Our prayers help foster unity, allowing us to work together for the greater good of the body.
The path forward
If you’re dealing with conflict in your church, you’re not alone. It can feel hard, but remember — God is with you in this. Keep leaning into love and patience, and trust that your efforts to make things right are part of a bigger picture.
If you’re unsure about the next step, talk to someone you trust who can offer perspective. And don’t forget to pray. God will give you the strength and clarity you need. Things might not get resolved overnight, but keep pressing forward with grace. You matter. The church matters. And your role in the church matters.
Copyright 2025 Rebecca Hastings. All rights reserved.
