Years ago, a woman announced an upcoming event at my church. She wanted to ensure the single adults in our congregation felt welcome to attend. “This is for pairs and spares!” she proclaimed.
Her statement was outrageously cringe, but I still smile when I think about it. Why? Because I didn’t take it personally. I didn’t internalize it, and I certainly didn’t let it dictate my value as a person.
If you think I’m in denial, let me explain. As a never-married adult, I’ve had many ups and downs in dating, being single, and hoping for marriage. A few decades of ups and downs, to be exact. I’ve heard and experienced all the weird stereotypes, clichés, assumptions around — even attempted solutions for — my singleness. Some made me roll my eyes. Some made me clench my fists. Some made me cry.
Despite the many emotions (all valid, by the way), I eventually realized there is only one person responsible for how I experience being single. That person is me.
No victims allowed
This is true of anything we shoulder from our stories; being single is just one example. Some people struggle to live victoriously in the wake of divorce. Or financial ruin. Or childhood abuse. Or addiction.
While every one of us has been victimized in some way — and I will underscore that some forms of victimization are especially evil — the choice to live as a victim, especially as a child of God, is ours alone.
This is National Singles Week. This is not necessarily significant except that it’s an opportunity for me to uniquely encourage those of you who are single to step out of a victim mindset and reframe who you are and what you’re about. Here are four truths that single adults too often forget, plus ways to live them out in hopeful and helpful ways.
Your singleness isn’t the biggest thing about you. In case you’re wondering, a married person’s marriage isn’t the biggest thing about them. They are not simply someone’s “other half.” A married person is a unique individual created by God who happens to have the privilege of being in a covenant relationship with their spouse here on earth. On the last day when we stand before the Lord, married people will stand as individuals. They will give an account of their own deeds, not those of their husband or wife. Those who know Christ will enter heaven as individuals; there is no marriage in heaven.
Our primary identity, then, isn’t our relationship status with others, it’s our relationship status with God. That’s what matters. Every person, married or single, was designed to be in relationship with God. That’s the biggest thing about you. Beyond that, you have unique talents, experiences and personality traits that make you who you are. You may be single, but you are so much more.
You are part of a family. Family isn’t just for couples with 2.5 kids and a dog. If you were born, you have a biological mom and dad and maybe some siblings. If you were adopted, you now have an adoptive mom and/or dad and family. Whether your family is loving or completely dysfunctional, you have a family.
I don’t know why so many single adults act like lone rangers — like disembodied appendages of their families — just because they’re single. If it is at all possible, lean into your family. Show up as a daughter or son, granddaughter or grandson, aunt or uncle. Love and pray for those whom God has entrusted to you as family.
You may marry someday and start another family, but you will always have the family you have now, regardless of whether those people are invested in you or estranged from you. Ask God for the grace to understand your role in your family and then live it out to His glory.
Being unmarried doesn’t make you unworthy of marriage. A friend said this to me and it stopped me in my tracks. I had 100 percent internalized the lie that some people are “marriage material” and others just aren’t. Some singles believe an even more insidious lie: that being single means you are unlovable on any level.
Friends, just stop. Marriage isn’t a gift given only to the most deserving. Marriage is a blessing that certainly merits honor and intention, but there are completely wacky, unhealthy married people just as there are completely top-shelf, healthy single people.
I’ve said it before: If God wants you married, He can get you married. If you desire marriage, do your part in prayer, preparation and pursuit; then leave the rest to Him. But never, ever think that you are a project to complete or a mess to clean up just because you are single.
Being single does not mean being alone. You may not be called to marriage, but you are absolutely called to relationship. It’s wrong to wait until marriage to invest in another person. We are relational beings just as God is a relational being. Made in His image, we are made for community. It is your responsibility as a child of God to invest in others as a reflection of God’s love for His creation — not to mention for your own good.
Sure, scrolling through social media and Netflix is tempting on a Friday night, but what about that friend who could use some encouragement? What about that small group you’ve been meaning to join? Or the Saturday volunteer workday you saw in your church’s bulletin last week?
Connection is a human need, not a romantic one. Find your people, expand your circle, and experience the richness of relationship wherever you are on your journey.
Grace for today
As I close, here’s a final truth: Today, I woke up single. I may wish I were married, but I’m not. What I’ve been given today is the opportunity to trust God with my singleness and then leverage it for my good and God’s glory.
This is an exciting prospect filled with potential and promise. It is entirely within my power today to smile, build someone up, contribute somewhere, or learn something new. Hey, it’s also within my power to ask someone on a date, ask someone to ask me on a date, or even assume someone’s asking me on a date only to discover they just want financial support for their next missions trip.
What I won’t do is be a victim of my singleness. I hope you won’t, either. Even if a lady at church calls you a “spare.”
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