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Relationships, Part 3: For Women

My original plan was to write a blog, answering this question women always ask me (usually married ones, ironically): “Why are all these godly, beautiful, intelligent, passionate women in church still unmarried?” However, as I was writing, the post got really long and eventually turned into a full-blown trilogy: part one about “the one” and part two about how men can get into relationships. It’ll be good to recap each article before reading part three.

Last week I wrote that the “steps for getting married are not mystical, super spiritual or all that complicated” and then proceeded to explain them for guys. This week we’re going to look at the steps for women. The steps for them are also fairly straightforward.


Wait for a guy to ask you to be in a relationship. When he does, decide if you want to get to know him better.

If you do, say yes and get to know him. If he asks you to marry him, decide if you should/want to.

If so, say yes and get married.

So thus if you’re a girl and you’re not in a relationship, there are really only two reasons:

1. You’re saying “no” a lot.

2. No one’s asking.

I’m not going to comment about the “standards vs. pickiness” debate. If you’re saying “no” without even going on a couple dates, that’s up to you. I hear there are plenty of articles that you could read about that topic.

Today I’m going to focus on what may get me the most negative comments. If no one’s asking you out, here’s the solution: Be more attractive.

Unless you live in a town with only 500 people, I’m fairly sure there are single men around. If none of them are asking you out, even just for a single date, then you need to work on being attractive, and you’re in luck, ’cause I have three tips vague enough that they’re guaranteed to help!

1. Demonstrate respect.

Women crave love and care from their men, but men desire respect and acknowledgement. Single guys are always looking out for a girl, and if you consistently demonstrate respect to the people around you, simply out of the godly character God has given you, your attractiveness scale will go off the charts. That doesn’t mean being a doormat or keeping every opinion to yourself. It means that even after you openly share your opinions, you’re willing to give greater weight (wisely) to the words of others. That takes even more humility/strength than just being silent.

What does this look like? Well, here are some examples:

  • Ask advice of the godly men (and women, single or married) in your life.
  • Take that advice with appreciation and gratitude, even if you might not agree.
  • Never make fun of/tear down a guy in public (or ever, really — Ephesians 4:29) not even as a joke.
  • Encourage and build up the men in your life, old or young, married or single.
  • Allow the guys in your life/church the opportunity to take the lead in your small groups or ministry teams even if they haven’t quite earned it.

2. Look good.

Everyone has the right to look how she does, but she also has to beat the consequences of her own choices.

If girls are looking for a guy with humor, kindness, stability and initiative, etc., guys are looking for a girl who’s hot. Now remember: I’m presupposing that you’re an amazingly godly girl who loves Jesus and all that, so hold the feminist comments. Everyone cares about different things, and if you’re looking to attract a guy, you need to know what guys find attractive.

Fortunately, this also happens to be a side effect of treating your body like the temple of the Holy Spirit — to honor that which the temple houses, we work to make that temple look as great as we can. Of course some elements of beauty are quite subjective (tip: just ask some of the guys in your church and take their advice per No. 1) but there are some things that are fairly universal, such as exercising and eating healthy to stay in shape, learning how to dress nicely, putting effort into your appearance, and smiling lots, while also not neglecting the imperishable beauty of good works.

3. Be fun.

To be honest, a lot of Christian girls are really boring or “conservative.” Being a Christian doesn’t mean you have to be dour, sour and stiff. Lighten up. Be adventurous, interesting, up to try new things (like swing dancing or rock climbing, for example) and meet new people. Now that doesn’t mean testing your alcohol tolerance every weekend, nor does it mean anything sinful. Our heavenly Father created joy, fun and laughter; we should be able to figure something out to show our playful sides.

So what do you think? Guys, would you ask out a girl with these three traits?


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